I am truly a despicable wretch.

In the wake of mounting public outrage following the imminent departure of the Seattle Sonics, I feel that there is something I need to say. I’d like to address an unlikely figure that has joined the rising chorus of my critics: me, Howard Schultz.

As I sit here enjoying a cup of coffee at Tully’s in Madison Park, I mull over the various things I’ve done that I myself would describe as ‘disgusting’, ‘despicable’ and ‘loathsome.’ “I really am one of the biggest jerks out there,” I mutter wistfully to myself.

But it’s not just the Sonics thing. It’s my whole attitude towards life, the way I treat people and my character in general. So add me to the list of people who think I am totally contemptible.

I understand that my unguarded candor and apparent newfound self awareness probably has you pondering some interesting questions. You may be wondering: is this a new Howard Shultz? Well I’m not going to answer that for you, you insolent twit. You’ve got a brain, you figure it out. Or maybe you are some kind of automaton, with no ability to think or reason for yourself, in which case—go buy more of my coffee, you moron.

You see what I mean? I’m crass, crude, and treat the public like the garbage they probably are—it’s inexcusable.

But you know, I’m in a hurry here, so I hope you don’t mind if I write the rest of this in the can. Ok, to be honest with you, I’ve been on the can this entire time. What do you care, anyway.

Some people around here have speculated that my lawsuit against the new Sonics’ ownership group is some sort of effort to restore myself in the court of Seattle public opinion. In reality, I couldn’t care less what you cretins think. I am the CEO of Starbucks, and you are peons. I’m a jerk, and now I’m not afraid to just come out and admit it.

Well, I double-parked my SUV in a handicap parking space out front, and I’ve been in here for a couple hours, so I should really get going. I’m not proud of who I am, but I realize that it’s not something anyone can change, least of all me.

I’ve got to get to my doctor’s appointment for a checkup on the injury I got in a dolphin hunting accident, so I’m going to wrap this up. Listen, I despise me as much as anybody else out there, but just because I do things like not bothering to clean the mess after my half-empty coffee cup misses the trash, or running over somebody’s foot while I pull out of my parking spot… wait, where was I?

Oh well, who cares.