Articles by Alfred Matthew

Reacting to the continually worsening economic situation, television networks have unveiled dozens of new recession-themed shows that will replace struggling series mid-season.

Among the new entries to the winter lineup are comedies such as “Everybody Loves Ramen,” “30Cents,” and “My Social Security Number is 078-05-1120.”

Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist, author, and totally serious presidential candidate Dave Barry took a brief break from his whirlwind Olympic trip Monday to unveil his latest project: Dave Barry: The Musical.

“I’m really excited that I will finally get a chance to share Dave Barry: The Musical with my fans,” said Barry in a live video feed from his Beijing hotel. “I think they will both really get a kick out of it.”

Although many critics feared that Barry would follow up his film adaptation of his book “Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys” with a stage version of the same, Barry reports that Dave Barry: The Musical consists of entirely new material.

Barry has been working on the stage production since 2003, when a talking platypus outlined the original plot for him in a lucid dream.

For many Seattle-area residents, the only thing more depressing than the thought of Californian immigration to Washington is organized sports.

The Mariners are floundering at the bottom of the MLB heap, and have never even been to the World Series. The Seahawks lost their one shot at the Super Bowl to a bunch of guys in striped shirts. Rumor has it that the Sonics won the NBA Championship once, but now that the NBA has skipped town, Seattle’s only remaining sports team to have won a national title is the Seattle Storm, our WNBA team. Unfortunately, there are only approximately three people in all of Seattle that care about the WNBA, and this includes the team, their families, and their friends.

In spite of all this, there is still hope for sports fans in the Puget Sound. We need not stoop so low as to feign interest in women’s basketball in order to enjoy the glory of having a winning team. No, we must simply turn our attention to Seattle’s most overlooked and—more importantly—our winningest sport: WhirlyBall.

Editor’s note: Thanks to the uncanny prescience of our writing staff, The Naked Loon is able to bring you the big news about today’s Sonics ruling ten whole hours before anyone else!

Welcome to the future, Seattle.

As U.S. District Judge Marsha Pechman handed down her decision today in Seattle’s lawsuit against the Sonics, team owner Clay Bennett successfully maintained his trademark scowl without displaying even so much as a slight twitch at the corner of his lips.

When Judge Pechman’s ruling was revealed at 4:00 this afternoon…

Lawyers for the city of Seattle scored a virtual slam dunk in the city’s trial with Sonics’ ownership on Wednesday.

The turning point came when the city revealed a series of enthusiastic text messages between Clay Bennett and other members of the Professional Basketball Club that confirmed their intent to move the team to Oklahoma City from the beginning.

“omg ok sncs ftw,” declared Bennett in a text sent to co-owner Aubrey McClendon on October 24, 2006, the day the NBA approved the sale of the team.