Rejected Seattle Nicknames
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2008
The Naked Loon Reviews: Random Orientation Videos
Starting a new job may be intimidating, but it can also be a source of great entertainment. The best part about starting a new job is when you get to sit around for an entire day of orientation, doing little more than cramming your face with junk food as your new employer force-feeds you multiple videos telling you all about such thrilling topics as how bad it is to harass anybody and how good it is to be safe.
In keeping with the proud tradition of print journalism, we generally shy away from the devilish work of the italic on the pages of The Naked Loon, but the orientation videos we are reviewing today were so dramatic, we had to make a special exception.
Totally Normal Wet, Gray Weather Surprises Forgetful Seattle Residents
Much to the dismay of the recent California migrants that make up 60% of the Seattle-area population, recent Puget Sound weather patterns continue to show no sign of shifting from “gray with drizzle” to “partly gray.”
In what should come as a surprise to absolutely no one—cloudy skies, rain, and 60-degree weather continue to persist in the Seattle area as the technical start of “summer” rapidly approaches. Despite the incredible normality of this phenomenon, the dreary weather is the number one topic of conversation for most area residents heading into what promises to be yet another damp, gray weekend.
“I know it doesn’t normally come until July or August, but I wish summer would just hurry up and get here already,” said Dupont resident Stacey Cassel. “Summer is my favorite week of the year,” she added.
Naked Loon Classifieds for the Week of Whatever Week This is
Ride the SLUT to work!
Looking for a thrilling career? Look no further than Amazon! You can join our team and work on all kinds of exciting SQL, DHTML/XML, GBRSH, and hundreds more techno-abbreviations that are sure to impress your tech-ignorant extended family back in whatever backward Midwest town you escaped from. Visit the website for info. If it’s not down again, that is.
Got a great body?
Hot Lips Espresso is hiring! One of our baristas just went through a difficult breakup, resulting in a few too many nights spent with Ben & Jerry, if you get our drift. So, we’re on the hunt for some new eye-candy to trick all those lonely love-starved men into buying our overpriced coffee. If your age and BMI are both under 19, apply today! Call 206-HOT-LIPS for more details.
Survey: 100% of Seattle Drivers Dislike Traffic
Burner Campaign Runs on Blind Optimism and Rainbows
Despite having pulled off a rare loss in a nationwide sea electoral victories for Democrats in 2006, 8th District Democrat Darcy Burner retains a foolish sense of optimism about her prospects of winning in this year’s rematch with Congressman Dave Reichert.
Burner brings a number of strong advantages to the table in 2008 that she did not have in 2006. Her experience as a political hopeful has now topped three years, which is over three times as extensive as it was in 2006. She also sees her 2006 loss as a strong advantage for her 2008 campaign. “The Democrat majority in congress has as yet failed to end the war in Iraq,” said Burner, “but when I am elected I will single-handedly bring our troops home and end the imperialistic oppression of the Iraqi people.”
Neighbors that Want Their Cats to Stay in One Piece Need to Keep Them Out of My Dang Yard
I’m a reasonable, tolerant person, but I admit, there are a few things that I do not tolerate: intolerance, coffee beans that are not fair trade and certified organic, Wal*Mart, carbon emissions, the neighbors’ gosh darned cats in my yard.
In fact, I’m putting out this official warning right now: Neighbors that do not want pieces of their cats to be individually wrapped and delivered on their doorstep need to keep them the heck out of my yard.
iPhone 2.0 Cures Cancer Before Even Being Released
Millions of Nerds Wet Pants in Excitement Over New iPhone
With millions of breathless, quivering nerds hanging on his every live-blogged word, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the specifics today of the latest incremental improvements in the company’s flagship product, the iPhone.
The unveiling of such exciting new features as a black plastic back, metal buttons, and an optional white case for the 16GB model make the iPhone 2.0 the most exciting new device in the history of electronics, and quite possibly the greatest technological achievement in all the universe.
Reactions among Seattle-area nerds were especially enthusiastic…
How do We Occupy Ourselves when the Network is Down?
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How To: Get Internet in Your Own Home
As you walk the happening streets of Ballard, you may occasionally overhear some trendy young people talking about something called “Internet.” Internet is like a kind of world-wide computer brain that knows everything. With Internet you can find the answer any question and satisfy any craving, no matter how base and repulsive it may be.
Getting Internet into your home can be tricky, which is why The Naked Loon has compiled this quick guide to getting Internet.
In order to get Internet, you first need to realize what Internet is, and just as importantly, what it is not. It’s not a big truck that you can just back up to your garage or something. You need technology to get Internet.
US Government to Distribute Stimulus Morphine Injections
A complete lack of positive results from the economic stimulus checks being sent out to American families since early last month has led the federal government to try a more aggressive stimulus: Morphine.
“It appears that most of the stimulus checks are being used to catch up on bills or pay off debt,” said Treasury spokesman Andrew DeSouza. “We tried to make it clear that these checks were supposed to be spent on frivolous consumer goods, but it seems that the American people are too selfish to come together and properly stimulate the economy.”
New Reality Show to Pre-Place Blame for Area Disasters
An exciting new television series set right here in Seattle is scheduled to begin this off-season, and The Naked Loon is here to bring you the scoop.
Everyone knows someone that has been affected by some type of disaster: earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, Republicans… Here in the Northwest we’ve been fortunate not to have been struck by many extreme disasters, but every time we hear of catastrophes like a big earthquake in Asia or yet another monster attack on New York City, we can’t help but wonder: what if a big disaster struck here?
The answer to that question is simple: we are thoroughly screwed. However…
Summer Cancelled
Officials Shocked to Discover Sex Acts for Sale at Strip Club
Documents filed in federal court on Monday revealed the results of an extensive law enforcement investigation into a series of strip clubs across King, Pierce, and Snohomish counties. Officials were shocked to learn that performers at the clubs were not only being paid to sensually remove all their clothes in private one-on-one shows, but it turns out they were also performing illegal naughty deeds for money as well.
“It really was surprising,” said one FBI agent who declined to give his name. “I mean, who would have guessed that when you pay young girls to dance around naked in front of a bunch of horny men, they end up disregarding the ‘look but don’t touch’ laws?”