A complete lack of positive results from the economic stimulus checks being sent out to American families since early last month has led the federal government to try a more aggressive stimulus: Morphine.
“It appears that most of the stimulus checks are being used to catch up on bills or pay off debt,” said Treasury spokesman Andrew DeSouza. “We tried to make it clear that these checks were supposed to be spent on frivolous consumer goods, but it seems that the American people are too selfish to come together and properly stimulate the economy.”
While the remaining stimulus checks will still be mailed out, the government is already moving to Plan B. Accepting that there is nothing that can be done for the economy at this point, the focus has turned to the millions of Americans suffering from the downturn. In order to dull the pain brought on by job losses and rising costs for food and gas, government offices will be distributing free morphine injections through the end of the summer.
“We’re really excited about this new program,” said DeSouza. “If we can’t avoid the economic fallout from the plethora of irresponsible moves our nation has made over the last decade, the least we can do is give our citizens a powerful way to chemically ease the suffering.”
The morphine stimulus injections will be delivered by government-licensed heath-care professionals stationed at DMV and Social Security offices throughout the country. Vouchers that will allow for up to three shots per week have already been mailed out to millions of households nationwide.
Additional vouchers are available for individuals that are experiencing particularly acute economic pain. Persons that have experienced extreme hardships (such as needing to sell the boat or cut back to just three lattes per week) can apply for as many as ten weekly injections.
President Bush said Friday that he believes this new plan has what it takes to help Americans forget the worries of the faltering economy. “As our once-great nation slowly drowns in the vicious currents of the global economy, a strong dose of mind-altering drugs is just what the doctor ordered,” said Bush.