2008
Dave Barry Announces Dave Barry: The Musical
Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist, author, and totally serious presidential candidate Dave Barry took a brief break from his whirlwind Olympic trip Monday to unveil his latest project: Dave Barry: The Musical.
“I’m really excited that I will finally get a chance to share Dave Barry: The Musical with my fans,” said Barry in a live video feed from his Beijing hotel. “I think they will both really get a kick out of it.”
Although many critics feared that Barry would follow up his film adaptation of his book “Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys” with a stage version of the same, Barry reports that Dave Barry: The Musical consists of entirely new material.
Barry has been working on the stage production since 2003, when a talking platypus outlined the original plot for him in a lucid dream.
What Color Best Represents Your Values?
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New Study Proves the Extreme Benefits of Speeding
A new study released Friday finally proves what most Americans behind the wheel already knew: speeding saves time.
Specifically, speeding was found to save the average American roughly two minutes every day. This number was determined by analyzing vast amounts of data and performing deeply complicated calculations—it definitely was not pulled out of thin air.
The Loon Institute for Calculative Knowledge (LICK)—a highly regarded and definitely not fictitious think tank—conducted the rigorous study of the nation’s drivers…
Gregoire Gifted Yacht, Mansion by Tribes; Denies Conflict of Interest
According to a statement released today by Christine Gregoire’s campaign, a $50 million yacht and $5.4 million mansion given to her by the state’s Indian tribes do not constitute a conflict of interest, and anyone that suggests they do is racist, and probably also sexist.
While recent headlines have been focused on over $650,000 in contributions to Gregoire’s campaign from the tribes, the personal gifts of the yacht and mansion were not previously public knowledge.
“This is a preemptive strike against all the hateful bigots out there that simply do not understand the normal and natural flow of politics,” said Debra Carnes, Gregoire’s campaign communication director.
Local Business Leaders: Washington Regulations Not Complicated Enough
A coalition of Puget Sound business leaders issued a challenge to Washington State lawmakers Thursday, calling for greater complexity and obfuscation in business regulations.
Representatives for the Seattle Area Alliance for Increasing Complexity in Government Regulations (SAAICGR) announced their proposal in a press conference from Olympia Thursday morning.
“The business climate in Washington is pretty challenging right now thanks to the seemingly endless amount of red tape the state forces you to go through to perform even the simplest of tasks,” said Costco CEO James Sinegal, one of the groups founding members. “But we are confident that with just a little more effort, ‘seemingly endless’ can turn into ‘literally endless.'”
Local Observers Say Olympic Coverage Not Olympicy Enough
Seattle City Council Passes Critically Important Scooter-Mover Fine
In a landmark unanimous 7-0 vote Monday, the Seattle City Council decisively addressed one of the cities’ biggest problems: rogue scooter-movers.
As the price of gasoline has risen to absolutely unbearable levels and riding a bicycle has remained as physically challenging as ever, an average of 50,000 new scooters per week have been added to Seattle streets. Feeling increasingly alone and intimidated in the massive sea of brightly-colored two-wheeled toys, some car drivers have taken indecent moving liberties with scooters that do not belong to them.
“I cannot believe that some people would have the gall to move a scooter just so they can get their car out of a parallel parking spot,” said Councilmember Jan Drago, chair of the Transportation Committee. “It is low-life criminals like this that can really ruin an otherwise perfect paradise of a city.”
How To: Deal With Annoying Neighbors
When you moved to the city to be close to all the amenities that Seattle has to offer, you forgot to consider one important factor: living in the city means living close to other people—yuck.
Unfortunately, if you want to live in the city (and who doesn’t), you are going to have neighbors. Dealing with people can be a stressful experience, but there are some easy tricks you can use to diffuse the situation when your neighbors get on your nerves.
Girl at Gym Won’t Shut Up About Her New Prius
Mutant Man-Mouse Hybrid Escapes UW Lab
Disaster struck the U District Monday, as a 6-foot, three-hundred-pound man-mouse hybrid escaped from containment at the University of Washington’s Comparative Genomics Center (CGC) and rampaged through the neighborhood, leaving a trail of terrified children and weirded out adults in its wake.
“It was awful,” said U District resident Penny Orting. “It just came out of nowhere and started waving its hands all over the place, slowly walking toward the children… and they just stood there, paralyzed with fear.”
The genetic abomination is the result of ten years of study at the CGC. A secret project codenamed “Icy Smoke Emu” was funded by $82 million obtained through an innocuous-looking line-item for “test vials” in the biology department’s annual budget.
New and Upcoming Revenue Sources for Seattle
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Blackberries: Heck Yeah
If you thought this article was going to be about some boring piece of technology, you’re a nerd. No, I’m not here to talk about cell phones. I’m here to talk about fruit. It’s just about that time of the year again: blackberry season! Yum!
As the most prolific weed west of the Cascades, blackberries can be found all over the Puget Sound. In my professional opinion (I have a Ph.D. in complex berry neuroscience), if you lives around here and pay money to buy blackberries, you are one of three things:
- stupid
- lazy
- a giant wuss
Actually, knowing you, you’re probably all three. Seriously, there is no excuse not to pick your own blackberries. None.
Nation’s Moviegoers Declare War on Theaters
In a sudden fit of rage Friday, moviegoers across the country threw down their ten dollar popcorn, spat out their eight dollar sodas, and announced the commencement of a full-scale war against theaters.
“We have had enough,” read the statement. “From now on, we only buy tickets, nothing else. Also, we’re not going to watch the pre-movie ads anymore.”
The spontaneous army of six-million film watchers issued the statement just as box offices around the country were preparing for another blockbuster weekend thanks to such mega-hits as The Dark Knight, Step Brothers, and Kung Fu Panda.
Instead of greeting patrons anxious to buy junk food with three thousand percent markups, theater employees were barely able to escape with their lives as legions of angry fans stormed past the concession stands and into auditoriums without buying a single thing.
Stingy Geek Reluctant to Spend Four Dollars to Download Dr. Horrible
Kirkland resident Matthew Teton reported Thursday that he has not yet decided if it is worth four dollars on iTunes to download the hit internet supervillain musical Dr. Horrible.
Teton insists that his indecision has nothing to do with the entertainment quality of the production from Firefly producer Joss Whedon, describing it as “totally hilarious” and “a must-watch.”
“Neil Patrick Harris was perfect as the aspiring villain and bumbling romantic Dr. Horrible,” said Teton. “But is it worth four dollars to be able to have Dr. Horrible on my iPhone… I just don’t know.”