The Economic Meltdown Has Gone Too Far

When the stock market fell thirty percent, it was rough, but I knew I could handle it since I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me. When Washington Mutual went under and had its bones picked clean by a hoity toity New York bank, I knew I would miss their low fees and laid-back attitude, but life goes on.

But when I learned last week that Mother’s Cookies has gone under, that’s when I knew that the economic meltdown had gone too far.

Sterilizations Skyrocket as Economy Crumbles

With the future looking bleaker by the day in the face of unprecedented economic meltdown, tens of thousands of people across the country are turning to sterilization to help them cope with the disaster.

Clinics in virtually every city in America have been flooded with requests for sterilization from middle-age professionals, teens barely out of puberty, and everyone in between. Without exception, those receiving the procedures have cited the country’s dismal, expensive future as explanation.

Former WaMu Customers Peeved at New JPMorgan Ads

Call centers at New York-based JPMorgan Chase & Co. were flooded with angry calls this week following the company’s launch of their first advertising campaign in the newly-acquired Seattle market.

Former WaMu customers were livid at the slogan used in the ads: “We’re Like You, But Much Richer™.” The television spots feature dozens of caricatures of Northwesterners such as “Logger,” “Grunge Band Guitarist,” and “Radio Psychologist.”

Paulson to Congress: You’re Mine Now, Suckas

Emboldened by the swift passage of his $700 billion Emergency Economic Stabilization Act, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson went before Congress on Monday to introduce a series of sweeping new bills that, when passed, will effectively declare Paulson to be the ultimate ruler of the universe for all time.

“I didn’t really think I could do it,” said Paulson, referring to the rapid passage of the $700 billion Wall Street bailout…

Voters Infuriated by Unexpected Breakout of Responsibility in Congress

In an unprecedented showing of clear-headedness and restraint, the House of Representatives denied a $700 billion bailout bill designed to keep bankers from suffering the consequences of loaning money to people that cannot pay it back.

As the DOW plunged nearly 800 points following the failure of the bill, angry American voters began flooding congressional switchboards, fax machines, and email inboxes.

Make the Most of Your Puget Sound Staycation

You deserve a vacation. Unfortunately, there is a problem. Or two. Or three. If you fly somewhere, you’re faced with airline fees for everything from bathroom breaks to cabin pressurization. Driving isn’t much better, as the cost of gas remains so high that you’ve even considered the unthinkable—taking the bus to work. And oh yeah, thanks to the housing crash and the economy, you’re broke.

Thankfully, that’s why God gave us the staycation. Of course, even sticking around the Sound isn’t without its troubles. Your neighborhood is safe and friendly, but who knows what dangers lurk in the more… shall we say… “exotic” corners of the Pacific Northwest.

Dan Rather Uncovers Martin Luther King Jr. Memo Endorsing Obama by Name

In an exclusive investigative report set to air Friday morning, veteran newsman Dan Rather will reveal a stunning document unearthed from the files of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., in which the late civil rights activist strongly endorses Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election.

Rather will unveil the document during a special edition of his cable news program Dan Rather Reports on HDNet.

Boeing Machinists Demand Tully’s in Breakroom, Pleather Gloves for Shop Floor

As 27,000 Boeing machinists hit the picket lines for the fifth day, representatives of the International Association of Machinists (IAM) released a comprehensive list of union demands on Wednesday.

While the list contains the usual complaints about pay raises and pensions, many machinists say it’s the lesser known issues like better coffee in the breakroom and more comfortable hand protection that are the most important to them.

Software Pirates Steal $2 Million in Weekend Raid on Microsoft Offices

Software pirates raided the Redmond offices of Microsoft this weekend, stealing thousands of copies of Windows, Office, and other software valued at over $2 million.

The burglary is the latest in an ongoing battle between Microsoft and the software pirates, whose ongoing thefts of retail-packaged software cost the company hundreds of millions of dollars every year.

“These robberies are costly to us,” said Microsoft spokeswoman Jill Jakes, “but the real victim here is the customer. Every copy of Windows Vista Ultimate Edition that is stolen by pirates is a copy that we can’t sell to a customer for three hundred and twenty dollars.”

Budding Journalist Aspires to One Day be Laid Off by Seattle Times

Just two years out of college, 28-year-old journalist Joshua Licks has big dreams for the future. Currently a reporter for the Bothell / Kenmore Reporter, a small local paper delivered weekly to about 15,000 homes, Licks dreams of one day landing a job at The Seattle Times, where he will subsequently be laid off due to the paper’s continually declining circulation and ad revenue.

“It’s every journalism student’s dream to make it to one of the slowly dying big dailies,” said Licks. “Hopefully, if I write enough interesting, hard-hitting pieces, I’ll eventually be good enough to get hired, and soon thereafter fired by the Seattle Times.”

Rossi Admits Mafia Ties, Surges in Polls

Just two days after Republican candidate for governor Dino Rossi admitted ties to a powerful Italian crime syndicate, statewide polls show he has opened an overwhelming lead over Christine Gregoire.

In a poll of three thousand likely voters taken Wednesday Rossi leads Gregoire by over sixty points statewide. In an even bigger shocker, Rossi—who was behind by as much as 30 points in King County just last week—now holds a 61-37 lead in among Seattle area voters.

Coca-Cola to Test New Coke Nega in Seattle

Atlanta-based Coca-Cola Company announced Monday that it will begin testing of a new soft drink in five markets across the United States, including Seattle. Dubbed Coke Nega, the new offering is “110% calorie, caffeine, carb, and taste-free,” according the company.

“The soft drink-buying public’s reception of Coke Zero since its introduction in 2005 has been phenomenal,” said Coca-Cola spokesman Rob Morton. “But we told our beverage engineers that people hated it and were rioting on the streets calling for their heads, so they have been working non-stop since then to come up with the next great Coke.”

Gaming Geeks Convert Seattle to Ultimate Nerdtopia

Seattle’s electric grid faces the ultimate challenge this weekend as tens of thousands of video game nerds from all corners of the country descend upon downtown, gadgets and games in hand for the Penny Arcade Expo, a three-day nerdtopia at the Washington State Convention Center.

Well over fifty thousand socially awkward, sun-starved nerds and geeks packed the convention center to the gills as the expo got underway Friday. Ultranerd video game writer Ken Levine kicked off the ceremonies as the keynote speaker, inspiring the pasty masses with the tale of his personal transformation from socially awkward child to socially awkward adult.