With the future looking bleaker by the day in the face of unprecedented economic meltdown, millions of people across the country are turning to sterilization to help them cope with the disaster.
Clinics in virtually every city in America have been flooded with requests for sterilization from middle-age professionals, teens barely out of puberty, and everyone in between. Without exception, those receiving the procedures have cited the country’s dismal, expensive future as explanation.
“I first considered sterilization when the stock market was getting hammered and big banks were failing all across the country,” said 23-year-old Zack Cox of Ballard. “But what really sealed the deal for me was when Congress passed that absolutely insane bailout package. I realized that the only way to avoid having my children, and my grand children, and my great-grand children saddled with the bill for the reckless, irresponsible economic blunders of today was to ensure that I never have any children to begin with.”
Locally, the sterilization surge has caused Seattle Reproductive Medicine (SRM) to completely change gears, converting their mission virtually overnight from being a full service infertility and reproductive medicine center to a one-stop tube-chop shop.
“We were fortunate that our facility and the skills of our staff were well-positioned for a rapid transition such as this,” explained SRM fertility expert Lynn L. Lin.
In just the past week since Congress passed the $700+ billion Wall Street bailout, SRM has performed over nine thousand tubal ligations, thirteen thousand vasectomies, and seventeen castrations. Hundreds of these were for couples that had been working with SRM for years in attempts to get pregnant, but abruptly changed course after last week’s bailout.
“Folks that had been involved in fertility treatments for six months or longer were given a two-for-one sterilization deal,” explained Lin.
Even seasoned sterility experts have been astounded by the range of people that are now demanding sterilization.
“I am pretty sure that I hit menopause ten years ago,” said 65-year-old Meridith Alexander of West Seattle, who had her tubes tied on Thursday. “And even though I haven’t had a date in thirty years, I figured it’s better to be safe than sorry, you know?”
Nationwide, over five million sterilizations have been performed in the past seven days, which population experts predict will significantly reduce the birth rate, shaving as much as 25% off the population of the United States by 2050.
Government officials are extremely concerned about the sudden trend, and are scrambling to stem the tide of sterilizations in any way possible.
“The success of our short-sighted financial pandering absolutely depends upon maintaining and even increasing the flow of children who will grow up to be productive, tax-paying taxpayers,” said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. “I am working with [Labor] Secretary Chao to address this fertility crisis with swift and decisive measures.”
Meanwhile, demand for sterilization grows daily. At the present rate, the entire population of the United States will be rendered infertile by April of next year.