Rampaging Children to Blame for Massive Bee Disappearance

Scientists at the University of Washington have discovered that the cause of massive honey bee deaths is not a fungus or virus as previously thought, but is in fact due to the intentional sabotage of hundreds of thousands of children armed with fly swatters.

The sudden disappearance of worker bees from colonies across North America known as Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) has been mystifying scientists since 2006. Many theories have been put forward to try to explain the phenomenon; scientists have explored a variety of explanations ranging from cell phone radiation to synchronized swan assaults. However, researchers overlooked the simplest explanation: frightened children.

Scientists at the UW teamed with local beekeepers to solve the mystery, using tiny radio-controlled helicopters equipped with cameras to tail groups of worker bees out of their hives all through town. On the third day of surveillance, the scientists were aghast to witness hundreds of bees mercilessly slaughtered by school children as they flew through an elementary school yard.

For the following eight weeks, researchers watched similar scenes unfold throughout the Sound in hundreds of playgrounds, parks, and backyards. Thousands and thousands of innocent bees buzzing around pollinating flowers and collecting nectar, were suddenly and violently struck down by toddlers and grade-schoolers.

Following their startling findings in the Puget Sound, the study was expanded to dozens of universities across the country, with similar results observed everywhere the bees were monitored. Sometimes a mob of children would rush the bees with fly swatters, while other times the kids would explode in a schizophrenic stomp-fest, squishing the hapless insects beneath their Dora the Explorer and SpongeBob SquarePants-themed sneakers.

Although children in every part of the nation used disturbingly similar methods, their actions appeared to be spontaneous, rather than part of a centrally-organized campaign.

Now that the mystery of the bee deaths has been solved, research will shift to methods of preventing further damage in the future. Possible methods include arming bees with child-paralyzing chemical weapons or merely giving the murderous children a stern talking to.

About the Author

John Fostr
Naked Loon Technology Reporter

8 Comments on "Rampaging Children to Blame for Massive Bee Disappearance"

  1. Child-paralyzing chemical weapons? I want one!

  2. About time kids did something right. Kill ’em all I say. Danged winged spawn of satan.

  3. Finger LickinGood | 2008-07-08 at 10:24 PM |

    I just drool when I see one of these delicious children scream their irritating high pitches as they play outside. Be sure to pick the little fat porkers cause they taste the best.

    You just need to lightly batter them with flour and salt. Cook them using the same instructions to roast a turkey.

    Be sure to invite plenty of friends to savor this delectable delight. Yummy and finger licking good.

  4. That was funny. There’s this article out about the bee disappearances that you all might wanna take a look at. It says the disappearances are all a combo of a natural cycle, pesticides, genetically modified food, radiation from cell towers, and poor farming practices. All backed up by pretty academic scientific type sources too.


  5. Marissa | 2008-11-14 at 9:55 AM |

    U r so wrong if bees died we would die, do u not understand? They are part of our living if they are gone o are we they keep our food alive!

  6. You have not solved the puzzle,It servers the public that education is needed. Also part of the problem is viral,bee nutrition,and pesticides.Good Luck

  7. Marissa is right. Honey bees are essential to food pollination. Without them, little food would grow. This article is obviously a farce. Children have been attacking bees since the beginning of time. Plus, look at the enlarged photo. That nest isn’t actually in the photo. It is a horrible cut and paste job. My 4 year old could do better. I believe there’s a reason why this paper is called The Naked Loon. I think they forgot the ey at the end of Loon because that’s what you’d have to be to believe it.

  8. Interesting how tiny radio-controlled helicopters equipped with (even more tiny… I presume) cameras tailing groups of worker bees out of their hives were also not “struck down”. Maybe these helicopters are so tiny that they are smaller than a bee. MMmmmm… what a stupid and ridiculous explanation for the disappearance of NATION-WIDE colonies. Does this reporter accept such a ridiculous explanation to solve a complex mystery? OK… let me send you my own theory of how I will use tiny helicopters to find Osama Binladen. Stand-by my data is forthcoming….

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