June 2008


Empty Kenmore Denny’s Still Standing, Nobody Cares

One week after the iconic Ballard Denny’s building was unceremoniously smashed to bits, the 31-year-old Denny’s restaurant building in Kenmore continues to remain standing, a blatant mockery of all that is good and wholesome.

While the architecturally interesting Ballard Denny’s met the steel claw of progress last week, the exceptionally ordinary Kenmore Denny’s building has so far avoided meeting the same fate.

Since the closure of Denny’s in May of 2006, the nondescript building has been sitting gutted and empty without so much as a peep from local neighbors…


Absolutely Nothing Happens for 10,000th-Straight Day in Tiny North Dakota Town

The town of Donnybrook, North Dakota was a complete and utter bore today as absolutely nothing happened for the ten-thousandth consecutive day.

There were no crimes, no good deeds, no business deals, no mushy reunions, and no rampaging chimps escaped from the local zoo (there is no zoo) flinging poo on the citizenry.

The last time anything happened in Donnybrook was February 10th, 1981…


Navigating Transit in Seattle is as Easy as 1, 37, 12!

As the price of gas continues to fly higher than a bald eagle on LSD, more and more people are looking for ways to cut commuting costs.

With access to one of the world’s best mass transit systems, Seattle residents are in a great position to kick the disgusting habit of driving once and for all.

If you’re new to mass transit in Seattle, don’t fret! Just follow these easy tips and you’ll be clearing your environmental conscience and fattening your wallet in no time.

The best thing about mass transit in Seattle is all the choices. We’ve got bus, light rail, monorail, commuter rail, trolley, ferry, and much, much, more! Of course, all these choices can be intimidating to someone who is used to the boring one-trick-train systems in lesser cities such as Chicago or New York.


Intersection of 6th and Pike Immune to Recession

A group of Seattle business leaders and local economists released a statement today declaring that the intersection of 6th Avenue and Pike Street is definitely, positively, absolutely immune to a recession.

“It has become apparent that Washington State, Greater Puget Sound, the city of Seattle, and even downtown Seattle are not immune to a recession,” the statement said, “however, we are confident that the encroaching recession will not affect the intersection of 6th and Pike.”

Anchored by the economic powerhouses of Niketown and American Eagle Outfitters, economists are certain that 6th and Pike will easily avoid the increasing unemployment, stagnant wages, and business failures that have plagued the nation in recent months.


Space Needle Totally Around Here Somewhere

The Space Needle is totally around here somewhere, I’m sure of it.

Yes, I realize we’ve been wandering around downtown for two hours now. That just means we must be close, right?

No, I will not stop to ask for directions. I realize that this is our first time Seattle, and I may not know where every little thing is located. But I’ll be danged if I stoop to getting any so-called direction from one of these prancified coffee-swilling yuppies.


Graduates Ride Emotional High from Successfully Meeting Minimum Standards

One week into their new lives as allegedly contributing members of society, recent local high school graduates are still riding an emotional high from completing the biggest achievement of their lives: meeting the criteria for graduation as defined in the Washington State law and school board policy.

“It’s like, so great to finally be like, done with school” said Sarah Donohue, a graduate of Inglemoor High in Kenmore.

Local teens reported feeling a lasting sense of accomplishment and satisfaction after successfully reaching the level of education required to obtain such illustrious jobs as cashier, car salesman, and food preparation worker.


New Gregoire Campaign Signs Bite Back

Following a series of reports this week from Puget Sound residents returning from the arid wasteland of Eastern Washington where they witnessed Dino Rossi campaign signs bearing the message “Don’t Let Seattle Steal This Election,” Christine Gregoire has launched a counter-offensive campaign in King County.

Campaign spokesman Aaron Toso explained the move, saying, “Dino Rossi is pure evil. It’s time we brought that message to the people of Seattle.”


Billy (or: Quit Yer Complainin’)

Billy wants to be a fireman when he grows up. For most little boys, this would be a reasonable dream, but for Billy, it may be a little out of his range.

See, Billy was born blind, and there aren’t many blind firemen, if there are any at all. In addition to his blindness, he is deaf in both ears, which makes it even harder.

What really makes it outside of the realm of possibility though, is the fact that Billy is a quadriplegic: he cannot move any muscle below his neck. He is confined to a wheelchair, which he controls with a mouth-joystick.

These are not the complete catalog of Billy’s woes, though. Not by far…


Honda Unveils Breakthrough Octabrid

Taking full advantage of the recent explosive popularity of hybrid vehicles, Honda has unveiled their latest breakthrough in automotive technology: the octabrid car.

“Continuing the tradition of innovation that we began with the Insight, Honda is proud to announce our exciting new car,” said a press release from Honda. “The new Honda Stan is powered by eight different fuel sources, making it four times better than the hybrids on the market today.”

In lieu of a traditional gas-powered engine, the Honda Stan is equipped with a cutting-edge drive system that converts eight sources of energy into motion…