June 2008

How To: Get Internet in Your Own Home

As you walk the happening streets of Ballard, you may occasionally overhear some trendy young people talking about something called “Internet.” Internet is like a kind of world-wide computer brain that knows everything. With Internet you can find the answer any question and satisfy any craving, no matter how base and repulsive it may be.

Getting Internet into your home can be tricky, which is why The Naked Loon has compiled this quick guide to getting Internet.

In order to get Internet, you first need to realize what Internet is, and just as importantly, what it is not. It’s not a big truck that you can just back up to your garage or something. You need technology to get Internet.

US Government to Distribute Stimulus Morphine Injections

A complete lack of positive results from the economic stimulus checks being sent out to American families since early last month has led the federal government to try a more aggressive stimulus: Morphine.

“It appears that most of the stimulus checks are being used to catch up on bills or pay off debt,” said Treasury spokesman Andrew DeSouza. “We tried to make it clear that these checks were supposed to be spent on frivolous consumer goods, but it seems that the American people are too selfish to come together and properly stimulate the economy.”

New Reality Show to Pre-Place Blame for Area Disasters

An exciting new television series set right here in Seattle is scheduled to begin this off-season, and The Naked Loon is here to bring you the scoop.

Everyone knows someone that has been affected by some type of disaster: earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, Republicans… Here in the Northwest we’ve been fortunate not to have been struck by many extreme disasters, but every time we hear of catastrophes like a big earthquake in Asia or yet another monster attack on New York City, we can’t help but wonder: what if a big disaster struck here?

The answer to that question is simple: we are thoroughly screwed. However…

Officials Shocked to Discover Sex Acts for Sale at Strip Club

Documents filed in federal court on Monday revealed the results of an extensive law enforcement investigation into a series of strip clubs across King, Pierce, and Snohomish counties. Officials were shocked to learn that performers at the clubs were not only being paid to sensually remove all their clothes in private one-on-one shows, but it turns out they were also performing illegal naughty deeds for money as well.

“It really was surprising,” said one FBI agent who declined to give his name. “I mean, who would have guessed that when you pay young girls to dance around naked in front of a bunch of horny men, they end up disregarding the ‘look but don’t touch’ laws?”

Naked Loon Used Car SalesSpeak Translation Guide

With the budgets of the average American experiencing an increasing crunch, one way that many families are exploring to cut back expenses is by getting a more fuel efficient car. Of course, since budgets are tight, they’re not headed to the new car dealers, but to America’s favorite hangout: the used car lot.

The purpose of this article is to give you, the used car consumer, a guide to help you understand car-sales-speak. Here are some of the things that car salesmen like to say, and what they mean in plain English:

Poll: Political Campaigns Not Nasty Enough Yet

A recent poll of three thousand Americans revealed that a majority of likely voters believe that this year’s political campaigns have been too civil to date, and would like to see the volume of spite and malice turned up a few notches.

“This year’s mudslinging has gotten off to a decent start,” said pollster Jim Hornswall, citing examples of allegedly-unofficial smears such as the Barrack Hussein Obama: Muslim Terrorist Lover video on YouTube and the John McCain is a Senile Old Coot blog. “But voters are craving more,” he said.

Americans are already tired of hearing about the so-called “issues” such as Obama’s plan to bring troops home from Iraq or McCain’s position on climate change…