June 2008

Bennett: “syl seattle lol”

Lawyers for the city of Seattle scored a virtual slam dunk in the city’s trial with Sonics’ ownership on Wednesday.

The turning point came when the city revealed a series of enthusiastic text messages between Clay Bennett and other members of the Professional Basketball Club that confirmed their intent to move the team to Oklahoma City from the beginning.

“omg ok sncs ftw,” declared Bennett in a text sent to co-owner Aubrey McClendon on October 24, 2006, the day the NBA approved the sale of the team.

South Korean Transit Strike Disrupts Gamer Junk Food Supply

As the strike of over 13,000 truckers in South Korea stretched into its fifth day today, grim ramifications are beginning to take shape.

Over seventy-five percent of South Korea’s forty-nine million citizens spend more than 18 hours a day playing online games such as Starcraft, FIFA Soccer, and KartRider, but due to the transit strike fun and games have given way to a brutal fight for survival. Online gamers in dimly-lit apartments and internet cafés are running critically low on important staples such as Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

7 Ways to Save $7,777 by Christmas in July

As the price of gas barely pauses at $4 on its way up to $10 a gallon and you find yourself spending $300 at the grocery store for little more than an organic grapefruit and a box of low sodium Wheat Thins, it is only by the grace of home equity withdrawals that so many of us have avoided bankruptcy this long.

It is getting harder and harder to make ends meet these days, let alone find the money to take advantage of all the latest great sales at our favorite stores. With the amazing savings of Independence Day sales and Christmas in July just around the corner, it’s time to start looking for ways to save some coin.

Thankfully, all you have to do is follow these practical money-saving steps based on the average Seattle-area budget, and you are guaranteed to save $7,777 in just four weeks.

The Naked Loon Reviews: Random Orientation Videos

Starting a new job may be intimidating, but it can also be a source of great entertainment. The best part about starting a new job is when you get to sit around for an entire day of orientation, doing little more than cramming your face with junk food as your new employer force-feeds you multiple videos telling you all about such thrilling topics as how bad it is to harass anybody and how good it is to be safe.

In keeping with the proud tradition of print journalism, we generally shy away from the devilish work of the italic on the pages of The Naked Loon, but the orientation videos we are reviewing today were so dramatic, we had to make a special exception.

Totally Normal Wet, Gray Weather Surprises Forgetful Seattle Residents

Much to the dismay of the recent California migrants that make up 60% of the Seattle-area population, recent Puget Sound weather patterns continue to show no sign of shifting from “gray with drizzle” to “partly gray.”

In what should come as a surprise to absolutely no one—cloudy skies, rain, and 60-degree weather continue to persist in the Seattle area as the technical start of “summer” rapidly approaches. Despite the incredible normality of this phenomenon, the dreary weather is the number one topic of conversation for most area residents heading into what promises to be yet another damp, gray weekend.

“I know it doesn’t normally come until July or August, but I wish summer would just hurry up and get here already,” said Dupont resident Stacey Cassel. “Summer is my favorite week of the year,” she added.

Naked Loon Classifieds for the Week of Whatever Week This is

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Burner Campaign Runs on Blind Optimism and Rainbows

Despite having pulled off a rare loss in a nationwide sea electoral victories for Democrats in 2006, 8th District Democrat Darcy Burner retains a foolish sense of optimism about her prospects of winning in this year’s rematch with Congressman Dave Reichert.

Burner brings a number of strong advantages to the table in 2008 that she did not have in 2006. Her experience as a political hopeful has now topped three years, which is over three times as extensive as it was in 2006. She also sees her 2006 loss as a strong advantage for her 2008 campaign. “The Democrat majority in congress has as yet failed to end the war in Iraq,” said Burner, “but when I am elected I will single-handedly bring our troops home and end the imperialistic oppression of the Iraqi people.”

Neighbors that Want Their Cats to Stay in One Piece Need to Keep Them Out of My Dang Yard

I’m a reasonable, tolerant person, but I admit, there are a few things that I do not tolerate: intolerance, coffee beans that are not fair trade and certified organic, Wal*Mart, carbon emissions, the neighbors’ gosh darned cats in my yard.

In fact, I’m putting out this official warning right now: Neighbors that do not want pieces of their cats to be individually wrapped and delivered on their doorstep need to keep them the heck out of my yard.

Millions of Nerds Wet Pants in Excitement Over New iPhone

With millions of breathless, quivering nerds hanging on his every live-blogged word, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the specifics today of the latest incremental improvements in the company’s flagship product, the iPhone.

The unveiling of such exciting new features as a black plastic back, metal buttons, and an optional white case for the 16GB model make the iPhone 2.0 the most exciting new device in the history of electronics, and quite possibly the greatest technological achievement in all the universe.

Reactions among Seattle-area nerds were especially enthusiastic…