Features

Much to the dismay of the recent California migrants that make up 60% of the Seattle-area population, recent Puget Sound weather patterns continue to show no sign of shifting from “gray with drizzle” to “partly gray.”

In what should come as a surprise to absolutely no one—cloudy skies, rain, and 60-degree weather continue to persist in the Seattle area as the technical start of “summer” rapidly approaches. Despite the incredible normality of this phenomenon, the dreary weather is the number one topic of conversation for most area residents heading into what promises to be yet another damp, gray weekend.

“I know it doesn’t normally come until July or August, but I wish summer would just hurry up and get here already,” said Dupont resident Stacey Cassel. “Summer is my favorite week of the year,” she added.

Documents filed in federal court on Monday revealed the results of an extensive law enforcement investigation into a series of strip clubs across King, Pierce, and Snohomish counties. Officials were shocked to learn that performers at the clubs were not only being paid to sensually remove all their clothes in private one-on-one shows, but it turns out they were also performing illegal naughty deeds for money as well.

“It really was surprising,” said one FBI agent who declined to give his name. “I mean, who would have guessed that when you pay young girls to dance around naked in front of a bunch of horny men, they end up disregarding the ‘look but don’t touch’ laws?”

From Olympia to Bellingham, Puget Sound residents were out in force today honoring the memories of fallen military men and women by taking advantage of amazing Memorial Day sales at dozens of local retailers.

“What better way to honor those who have died fighting for our freedom than to pick up a designer handbag at Nordstrom for 40% off,” said Seattle resident Mary Fortran. Shoppers all around the Sound apparently agreed, as they grabbed unbelievable deals by the thousands on on barbeques at Sears, plasma TVs at Best Buy, and camping gear at REI.

May 18, 2008—In a stunning display of journalistic sloth, 95% of news outlets across Western Washington headlined yesterday’s edition with yet another Mt. St. Helens eruption anniversary story.

Although nearly every possible angle on the 1980 event has been covered, re-covered, and then covered a few dozen more times for good measure, hundreds of news writers ignored the newsworthy events of the day and instead shamelessly spewed forth their own versions of the all-too-familiar tale.

Common rehashes of the anniversary story included so-called “dramatic” retellings of the events surrounding the eruption, interviews with witnesses and survivors, and collections of poetry and song written to the mountain.