Nickels Multiplies Bag Fees in Litter-Induced Rage

Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels announced a revision yesterday to his plan to charge city residents for using plastic and paper bags at area grocery stores: The “price” of a bag will rise to $1 for paper and $2 for plastic, a jump from the original fee of 10 cents for paper and 20 cents for plastic.

The fee program was approved by the city council last summer, and has met with substantial resistance from local merchants, tourists, and pretty much everyone one except the mayor.

“We, or rather I, feel it is imperative to make this fine, err, I mean green-use fee sting, in order to teach the upstanding, if obstinate citizens of our eco-friendly city that hurting the earth simply does not pay,” Nickels said Friday afternoon at a press conference hastily organized on the steps of city hall.

As a plastic bag rolled by in the mid-summer wind, the mayor gripped both sides of the podium tightly.

“I can’t believe you, or… err… I mean, certain individuals, have chosen to destroy the planet,” he said, his facing glowing.

In response to a barrage of questions from local media, the mayor simply shook his head violently.

“No, no, no!” he shouted. “You’re still not getting it! I am your king, your nanny-in-chief!”

Pieces of spittle flew from the corners of the mayor’s mouth, as the small crowd of reporters backed away, slowly retreating down the steps.

Nickels began waving his arms, and appeared, one reporter noted, to be “losing it.”

“You will obey me! I am America’s greenest mayor! I am the incarnation of Captain Planet!”

At this point, the mayor’s staff rushed to his side and appeared to tranquilize him. He crumpled to the concrete steps, yelling incoherently.

Before the mayor lost consciousness, muffled shouts of “bow down to me!” and “I am your nanny-king” faded into soft sniffling noises. Nickels sobbed quietly as he was carted off by his aides.

“His Highness will not be taking any more questions today,” said Spokesman/Herald Alex Fryer. “You are all ordered to return to your homes and await further instructions.”

About the Author

Liam Ocean

14 Comments on "Nickels Multiplies Bag Fees in Litter-Induced Rage"

  1. Jack Lecerveau | 2008-07-13 at 6:56 AM |

    Just another example of another public official who has gone nuts over global warming and needs: THERAPY!

  2. Jimothy | 2008-07-13 at 4:42 PM |

    Seriously, none of your stories are funny at all. They’re like someone’s dad trying to imitate youth culture. You’re not the Onion. Not to mention that bag taxes are a fantastic idea.

  3. Unfortunately for Jimothy, we have him tied to a chair in the basement of Naked Loon headquarters, where our staff forces him to read our stories 47 times each day.

    Also, we only feed him raw beets.

  4. Jonathan Gardner | 2008-07-13 at 11:25 PM |

    Well, as long as you don’t waterboard Jimothy, I’m fine with that.

  5. Jonathan Gardner | 2008-07-13 at 11:25 PM |

    And those are organic beets, right?

  6. I agree with jimothy. It’s just like old people to come in here and goof up the place every time me and my youthful friends are skateboarding downtown talking about the mayor and his awesome bag tax policy. Stop trying to be so trendy!

  7. J ENIGMA | 2008-07-14 at 5:33 PM |

    I think jimothy should take our mayor to DIck’s for lunch everyday for a month or two. Feed him on whatever he can score in the take-out line — 10 cents per plastic bag; 20 cents per paper bag. That should be good for his figure and his color.

  8. skippythedog | 2008-07-15 at 8:14 AM |

    (sigh)….thought I’d say goodbye. I had high hopes for you guys when I happened upon your very first issue….Spoof Seattle! Cool!
    It’s been a bit of a let down. You guys really arent’ very funny at all…..back to reading the Tacoma News Tribune for laughs…

  9. Nuts. And here I was hoping that we would be able to please all of the people, all of the time.

  10. Jimbo Novus | 2008-07-16 at 12:23 PM |

    This actually made me smile quite enthusiastically. Especially the picture. Maybe it’s because I think the mayor is a nutjob who’s idea of taxing bags is just plain rediculous. Speaking of nutjobs, anyone who is buying all the enviro-rhetoric about the evils of plastic bags is also a bit of a nutjob. This story is funny cause it stings of truth.

  11. Ulysses | 2008-07-18 at 1:31 PM |

    All of the people, all of the time? I could-a sworn you were meeting your goals. Fire all the un-funny people and just have Mayor Nickels write for you!

  12. Me just like funny picture of mayor!!!

  13. I just enjoy the image of Nickles being tranquilized at a news conference. The bag tax is a little over the top.

  14. I suppose they need to raise money somehow and global warming is a popular issue. I’m just curious as to why I have not seen a single bag floating around in the puget sound and what that company that buys all those used plastic bags and makes them into things is going to do now? Personally, I don’t have a problem with not using bags. I like those nice cloth ones, there sturdier and I like that my bottled water bottles can be recycled and turned into cool bags for shoppers like they have everywhere now.

    Nickels photo? Is he really that red?

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