Bigoted Bumper Sticker Sighted, Punished

When Harrison Jenkins woke up on Monday, he thought his day would be no different than any other—go to work, banter about the usual inoffensive topics, do his job, listen to NPR… all the usual stuff. Unfortunately, Harrison’s tranquil bubble of tolerance and open-mindedness was violently popped as he drove the carpool to work on I-405.

“I was just driving along, minding my own business, chatting with my coworkers about the new organic rice puffs at Trader Joe’s, when all of a sudden, I see this pickup truck in front of me in the carpool lane with the most repulsive pair of bigoted bumper stickers imaginable,” said Jenkins. “On top was—I’m sorry, it’s just so disturbing—they actually had a Bush/Cheney sticker, and underneath that was one for… John McCain.”

When the group noticed the inflammatory, narrow-minded decals, spread out before them like a flaming cross in the middle of the highway, the innocuous carpool conversation came to a sudden halt. Jenkins knew what must be done. Without saying a word, he pulled in as close as possible to the offending vehicle, and proceeded to punish their audacious display of bigotry by tailgating them for the next five miles.

“The gall of some people really is incredible,” he said. “We really gave them something to think about. We simply do not tolerate that kind of intolerance in Seattle.”

“I thought Seattle outlawed Republicans,” said Cooper Smith, who carpools with Jenkins. “I can’t believe someone here in the great Emerald City would think that they could get away with such blatant malevolence toward all that is good and progressive.”

Once Jenkins and his carpool partners got to work, the flagrant display of conservative bile that he and his carpool-mates witnessed on the way in was the talk of the office. Most of his coworkers approved of his method of delivering justice by tailgating the perpetrator, although some wished he had gone further.

“I don’t know, I think I probably would have flashed my brights or something,” said Nina Tomlinson. “Or maybe pulled alongside and shot the filthy war monger an icy glare.”

“They really should have a phone number to report such vile displays of vulgarity,” said Jenkins. “Like, they have that 877-764-HERO for pollution-loving carpool violators and 866-LITTER1 for earth-destroying litterbugs; they should have 800-VILLAIN or something for reporting Republicans.”

Fortunately, Jenkins’ drive home was uneventful, and the remainder of his day played out as expected. “I’m usually a pretty laid-back guy,” he said, “but that kind of depravity really gets my blood boiling—I don’t think I could take another confrontation like that unless I’ve had at least a few weeks to cool off.”