With all the dangerous things that abound out there in that big scary world, it can be tempting to succumb to paralyzing fear, never setting foot outside the safe and familiar confines of your home. Unfortunately for you, even your own home is full of perilous life-threatening hazards that can easily terminate your existence quicker than you can say “organic.”
Luckily for you, The Naked Loon has yet again come to your rescue by compiling this helpful guide to household safety. Read on to learn more about the most dangerous parts of your house, and how you can protect yourself and your family.
Your bed is one of the most important pieces of furniture in your house. These wood or metal-framed units are so commonplace today that we sometimes forget that a bed was once little more than a box full of rocks used to supply a rather undependable surface on which to spend the night. But we are instantly reminded of its importance to our daily lives when the legs fall off or the mattress explodes, putting our safety in jeopardy.
You can avoid risky bed mishaps by wrapping every part of your bed in duct tape, and by making sure to wear fire-retardant clothing and a DOT-approved helmet to bed every night. Avoid dangerous alternative sleeping surfaces such as hammocks and cots altogether. In fact, if you really want to stay safe, it’s best that you just forgo sleeping entirely. Fortunately, only two percent of houses in the greater Puget Sound are further than half a block from a coffee stand.
Your bathroom is a veritable cornucopia of death traps, all waiting to spring on you as soon as you let your guard down. Did you know that over fifty adults drown in their toilets every month? It’s true.
The best way to stay safe in the bathroom is to cover yourself completely in plastic wrap before entering. This will keep the hordes of deadly bacteria at bay, as well as preventing any water from unexpectedly filling your lungs. Showers and baths are both dangerous, so if you want to avoid accidental drowning, stick to sponge baths. Also, never enter the bathroom alone—that’s just asking for trouble.
The Living Room
Millions of Americans go to their living rooms to let down their guard and just relax… leading to unspeakably disastrous results. Ultra-sonic home-theater emissions, hypodermic needles in the sofa cushions, and spring-loaded recliners are just a few of the dangers lurking in your living room.
To avoid being launched through the roof by a misbehaving armchair, always place a 500-pound block of lead on the chair before sitting down. Foreign objects in the sofa can be neutralized with a similar method, or by covering the seating surface with a layer of bricks. There are millions of ways the space-age electronics in your home theater system could dangerously fail, and no one really knows how it all works, so feel free to enjoy a movie, just be sure to wear a pair of noise-canceling headphones, some dark sunglasses, and two or three layers of leather.
You might think that the most dangerous thing in your kitchen is the food processor or the large stash of knives. You would be mistaken. The number one deadly hazard in your kitchen is the refrigerator, hands down. There are so many ways your refrigerator can kill you that this entire article could have been dedicated to refrigerator safety. Every time you set foot in the kitchen you risk having the refrigerator fall on you, instantly freeze you, poison you, or throw rotten vegetables at you, to name just a few of the very real risks.
Always approach your refrigerator with caution. Carry a trash can lid as a shield, and open the doors as slowly as possible. Never make eye contact with your refrigerator, as this will be interpreted as a sign of aggression. Before you enter the kitchen, make sure you know exactly what you need out of the refrigerator, so you can get in and out as quickly as possible. Never, never, never stand around in front of an open the refrigerator door. This will inevitably result in a trip to the emergency room, where—if you are lucky—medical professionals will be able to reconstruct your face.
By keeping these safety tips in mind as you navigate the treacherous confines of your home, you will increase your odds of daily survival to at least 50/50.