Who Are We Avoiding?
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November 2008
Bizarre Weather System to Slam Washington this Winter
Meteorologists at the University of Washington issued a warning to Pacific Northwest residents Wednesday for an extreme weather system this winter.
“We have recently weathered both El Niño and her little sister La Niña,” said UW meteorologist Stan Cooper. But the danger looming on the horizon is far worse. “Citizens should prepare for the worst this winter as Basura Blanca, El Niño’s drunken neighbor, hits the Northwest in full force.”
Obama Urges Congress to “Spend like there’s no tomorrow, because if you don’t, THERE MAY NOT BE A TOMORROW.”
Citing an “economic booby trap of elephantine proportions,” President-elect Barack Obama urged Congress yesterday to pass yet another costly and ultimately ineffective “stimulus” bill as quickly as possible.
In response to the very utterance of the world’s favorite bureaucrat, stock prices surged in yet another record-setting rally—an undeniably positive sign that experts say signals an end to the economic crisis for the seventeenth time in the past six months.
Jesus Reportedly Primarily Interested in Granting Followers the Easy Life
According to a series of recent radio ads, Jesus Christ—Lord and Savior of all mankind who died on the cross for our sins and was raised again on the third day—is primarily interested in granting His followers the easy life.
“In this fast-paced world,” begins one ad, “it’s easy to lose sight of what’s really important … your life.”
PLAY SHINY HAPPY VIDEO GAMES
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Bush Extends WA Budget Deficit to $5 Billion
As one of his final acts in office, President George Bush signed an executive order earlier this week, expanding Washington State’s already crippling $3.2 billion projected budget deficit to a mind-boggling $5 billion.
In addition to personally wrecking havoc with Washington State’s budget, Bush also signed orders that would force Boeing to begin laying off thousands of employees in 2009…
The Naked Loon Reviews: New Xbox Experience
After months of hype and non-stop gamer salivation, Redmond-based software giant and Puget Sound economic savior Microsoft released their New Xbox Experience (NXE) Wednesday.
Inquiring minds want to know: is NXE deserving of all the excitement? Will NXE solve all your problems and do the laundry for you? Should every single person rush out right now to buy two, three, or even fifty-eight Xbox 360s in order to fully experience this shiny new Xbox update?
Wedgewood Resident: Tell the Neighbor’s Crazy Psycho Dog to Stop Staring at Me
Brutally Beat the Winter Doldrums. To Death.
Ahh, winter. That glorious season of 8-hour daylight, bitterly cold nights, endless rain, and obligated time spent tolerating relatives. What’s not to love about it?
Of course, there are some people who tend to get down in the dumps as winter rolls around, and even though the staff here at The Naked Loon is “insensitive,” “detached,” and “evil,” we’re not the type to rub our winter-blues-immunity in others’ faces.
What Are We Waiting For, Let’s Kick Off 2012 Already!
Is it just me, or is it boring in here? I mean, ever since Election Day, life has been so… bland.
It’s almost like nobody even cares anymore about how evil the Republicans are. Where are the heated discussions about all the freedoms the Republicans have stolen from us? Where are the echo chambers where I can meet with other self-righteous liberal zealots to sing the unbridled praises of Obama?
1 in 5 Headline Writers Use Meaningless Stats to Fill Space
Seattleites Beg City Council for Additional Taxes, Fees
In the wake of historic prosperity and financial abundance, residents of Seattle are begging, pleading, and petitioning the city council for massive hikes in taxes and fees. In response to the citizens’ increasingly vocal requests, the city council held a special session last Friday to discuss existing taxes and fees that can be raised and new sources that can be created.
“Raising fees and taxes is ordinarily the last thing we would want to do,” said Council President Richard Conlin…
Don’t Hate, Congratulate!
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Light Up Your Christmas Spirit
Nothing says “I’m celebrating the true spirit of Christmas” quite like a $2 light-up necklace, am I right?
The best part about this totally classy fashion accessory is probably the awesome glamor shot model on the packaging.
Local Flooding Bewilders Weather Scientists
As flood waters began to recede Thursday on the Snoqualmie and Tolt rivers in east King County, baffled scientists are attempting to understand the strange unpredictable phenomenon that caused hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage to area residents.
Dozens of homes, businesses, and roads were flooded this week in what scientists describe as “a bizarre and incredibly unlikely combination of events.”