May 2008

Moderately Insane Road Trip Ideas

Let’s talk for a moment about road trips. Sure, gas prices are making all our ears bleed, but why should we let that stop us from making summer road trips?

What is there not to love about a road trip? Spending hours at a time crammed into a high-speed tin can is our kind of fun. Spewing out noxious fumes as we cruse the hills and plains, all the while emptying our wallets as we rack up credit card debt to fill the tank every 300 miles.

Rampaging Children to Blame for Massive Bee Disappearance

Scientists at the University of Washington have discovered that the cause of massive honey bee deaths is not a fungus or virus as previously thought, but is in fact due to the intentional sabotage of hundreds of thousands of children armed with fly swatters.

The sudden disappearance of worker bees from colonies across North America known as Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) has been mystifying scientists since 2006. Many theories have been put forward to try to explain the phenomenon; scientists have explored a variety of explanations ranging from cell phone radiation to synchronized swan assaults. However, researchers overlooked the simplest explanation: frightened children.

Anti-Depressant Manufacturers Thrilled by Oncoming Recession

Although most families find that the onset of a recession is a hardship to be overcome, there is a silver lining to every cloud. One such example is the makers of various anti-depressant medications, for whom the prospect of impending national economic difficulty is like winning the lottery.

As consumers across the nation tighten their belts and cut back on all but the basic necessities, often the first things to go are the budgets for entertainment and eating out. While a lack of amusing distractions coupled with a job loss or pay cut may leave families feeling down and out, it has drug makers smiling ear to ear.

“In these trying times,” said Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler, “we are overjoyed to be in a position that allows us to reap massive profits by giving people the ability to chemically alter their mood.”

Naked Loon Travel: Boston

As a resident of the greater Seattle area, you know that there is no better place on Earth than the perfect paradise we live in here in the Puget Sound.

While traveling outside of our green and blue utopia is a decidedly bizarre and unnatural course of action, it is understandable that you might sometimes find yourself wondering what life is like for the unprivileged masses that are doomed to live in the less desirable 99.99% of the planet.

Thankfully for you, The Naked Loon is rushing to your aid yet again, going places you don’t want to go and coming back to bring you all the disturbing details. This month’s punishing journey takes our roving reporter 2,500 miles away, clear over to the shriveled husk of an allegedly-once-great city: Boston, Massachusetts.

Overheard Outside Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

With it being Memorial Day Weekend, and me having no friends or family to invite me camping, or to a BBQ, or even a t-ball game I spent my weekend lounging around my second home, the Oak Tree Cinemas on Aurora. Since I have yet to receive payment for my contributions around here I couldn’t actually afford to see any movies. But, as I sat in the lobby pretending to play Cruis’n World I was able to overhear the crowds as they left the new “summer” blockbuster Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Here’s what they had to say…

Fallen Soldiers Honored with Incredible Memorial Day Sales

From Olympia to Bellingham, Puget Sound residents were out in force today honoring the memories of fallen military men and women by taking advantage of amazing Memorial Day sales at dozens of local retailers.

“What better way to honor those who have died fighting for our freedom than to pick up a designer handbag at Nordstrom for 40% off,” said Seattle resident Mary Fortran. Shoppers all around the Sound apparently agreed, as they grabbed unbelievable deals by the thousands on on barbeques at Sears, plasma TVs at Best Buy, and camping gear at REI.

The Future: Let’s get on with it already

It is time to admit the obvious. We have failed. It’s the year 2008 and we’re still waiting for the future to arrive.

What the hell, people? Where did we go wrong? Wasn’t the future supposed to be, like, a thousand times cooler than this? How is it that our biggest concerns in today’s society are gas prices and doing daily chores?

How is it that we were able to go all the way to the MOON in 1969, but today the best that a robot servant can do is vacuum floors or clean gutters.

Boeing Dreamliner Actually an Elaborate Hoax

With accumulating project delays that have pushed back delivery dates for Boeing’s next-generation Dreamliner aircraft by nearly two years, some have begun to question whether the project will ever reach completion. Now, thanks to an exclusive Naked Loon investigative report, the truth has been revealed: The Dreamliner project is in reality nothing more than an elaborate farce.

For the past six months, three dozen Naked Loon reporters have been working under-cover in a variety of positions at Boeing, from the so-called factory floor to the upper levels of management. The startling truth uncovered by our investigative team is that Boeing has neither designed nor built any airplanes since the mid 1990s.

Over the past decade, Boeing has gone to great lengths to maintain the complex illusion that they are in fact still an actual aircraft manufacturer…

A Collection of Poetry

Hi, my name is Alexander and I am in the eighth grade. I am an above average English student and author. I don’t prefer to write very much, but I can write pretty good. I can do poetry O.K. if I try real hard, as I have done in this column. This column will show my creativity. Some of the poems will not be that great, but they are my best.

Thank You, and enjoy.

Marysville City Council Erupts in Brawl Over Tractor Ordinance

What began as a routine bi-weekly work session for the Marysville City Council turned into an all-out brawl yesterday when tensions over a proposed tractor ordinance boiled over.

The regulation, which was introduced by councilmember Carmen Rasmussen, would restrict downtown streets to only non-tractor traffic every Thursday evening. “Some of the townsfolk have reported difficulties getting to the farmers’ market,” said Rasmussen as she introduced her proposal.

Tractor policies have long been a heated point of contention in Marysville city politics…

The Naked Loon Reviews: Juno

Let me begin this review with a warning. If you are thinking of buying Juno on DVD so you can enjoy a thrilling documentary about one of the internet’s first free email services, reliving the glory days of dial-up with blazing fast 14.4 kBaud modems, you are going to be disappointed. As it turns out, Juno has nothing to do with email at all.

Juno’s recipe for success includes a mixture of bizarre nonsensical music, some hamburger phones, a handful of 19-25-year-olds pretending to be high schoolers, and one glorious scene featuring Rainn Wilson. All in all, it makes for an enjoyable enough experience, but I still wish there was more email.