May 2008

Friendless, Video-Game Addicted Loser Sues Microsoft

In the latest shot across the bow of the beleaguered local software giant, friendless loser Ted Elias is suing Microsoft for $25 million.

A statement released by Elias’ lawyer on Friday accuses Microsoft of “totally destroying his mental, social, and physical health by providing my client with unlimited access to the addictive Xbox 360 video game console as well as an unending stream of engrossing hit games.”

“Before he was introduced to the virtual mind-control of the Xbox 360, my client was a successful, well-developed 27-year-old,” said attorney Martin Finklestein, representing Elias in the case. “However, after just two years under the influence of Redmond’s electro-brainwashing, he has lost his job, his friends, and even his basic sense of hygiene.”

It is Not Easy Being White

It seems like the popular thing to talk about these days is all the racial tension and “hidden racism” against African-Americans. That is fine, I am as anti-racism as the next progressive, but let me tell you something: it is not easy being white, either.

Let me just start with the word “white.” Who decided that it was okay to call me that? I prefer “Euro-American” or simply “Amero-American.” But white does not even accurately describe the actual color of my skin. Do you know what is actually white? Toilets, mayonnaise, and snow. People call me white right to my face; day in and day out. What they are really calling me is “snowy mayo toilet-skin.”

Pioneer Square Reimagined as Pioneer Village Theme Park

In an effort to cash in on Seattle’s lost ‘final frontier’ image, the city council voted today to turn the historic Pioneer Square neighborhood into a wild west themed park and mall.

Because Pioneer Square already boasts a large amount of local historical significance it was a natural choice for a new theme park experience focusing on Seattle’s romantic frontier past.

“Today I’m proud to announce the upcoming opening of Pioneer Village,” said Mayor Greg Nickels. “A fun—and more importantly, educational—experience that Seattle is proud to call its own.”

Study Confirms Seattleites’ Self-Importance

At South Kitsap’s annual science fair last week sophomore Erin Rheinstadt published the results of her groundbreaking three-day study titled “The effects of an inland body of salt water on regional attitudes of superiority.”

The five page double-spaced paper and accompanying three-panel display board showed how Rheinstadt applied the scientific method to test her theory that people living on the east side of Puget Sound are far more smug than those living on the west side…

WaMu Walks Away From Mortgage on Downtown Headquarters

Struggling savings and loan giant Washington Mutual announced Wednesday that they will no longer be making payments on their mortgage for WaMu Center, the company’s 42-story downtown Seattle headquarters.

The decision by WaMu follows in the footsteps of an increasing number of distressed homeowners that have walked away from their mortgages as the real estate market continues to experience record declines across the country.

Avoiding the Construction Crazies

Thanks to its irresistible natural, economic, and cultural allure, the Puget Sound has seen an explosion of population in the last few years, and will continue to grow ever more rapidly in the years to come. In fact, over ten million people are expected to move here just next year, escaping such inhospitable locales as California, Japan, and Portland.

Growth is great for the local economy, but all these new residents obviously need places to live…