April 2008

Amazon: Kindle is the greatest! Seriously, buy one RIGHT NOW! Kindle Kindle Kindle!

In an announcement on Amazon.com’s front page this week, CEO Jeff Bezos declared Kindle—their handheld electronic reading device—to be an overwhelming success, unmatched since the dawn of time by any achievement in the universe.

“Dear Customers,” begins the message from Bezos. “We continue to be astonished at your insatiable hunger for Kindle: our earth-shattering nirvana delivery system.”

“To date, we have sold more than three hundred Kindles for every man, woman, and child on planet Earth,” the note continued, “That’s over two trillion Kindles in just six months.”

Australia Welcomes Complete Lawlessness

Embracing the country’s long history as the premier place to send the lawless, Australia’s Prime Minister Kevin Rudd announced today that the country will do away with laws entirely.

Prime Minister Rudd responded to probing questions from the press by hurling microphones at reporters and challenging indignant cameramen to fisticuffs.

A public vote was held on Monday, in which 97% of the citizens voted in favor of eliminating the overbearing burden that rules and regulations have brought upon the one-time haven for the lawless.

Obama Unfazed by Clinton’s Continued Delusions of Victory

In an insipid turn of events this weekend of interest only to die-hard political junkies, hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Hilary Clinton issued an empty challenge to the soon-to-be-nominee Barak Obama: that they face off in a moderator-free debate.

In the bizarre attempt to stave off her inevitable electoral elimination, Clinton invoked the memory Abraham Lincoln; the most famous Republican president of all time.

I am truly a despicable wretch.

In the wake of mounting public outrage following the imminent departure of the Seattle Sonics, I feel that there is something I need to say. I’d like to address an unlikely figure that has joined the rising chorus of my critics: me, Howard Schultz.

As I sit here enjoying a cup of coffee at Tully’s in Madison Park, I mull over the various things I’ve done that I myself would describe as ‘disgusting’, ‘despicable’ and ‘loathsome.’ “I really am one of the biggest jerks out there,” I mutter wistfully to myself.

M’s Management Regret Passing on Bedard Warranty

As Érik Bédard comes close to making his way off of the disabled list, Mariners management staff admits that they are now kicking themselves for having bought the extended warranty on the star pitcher.

“I mean come on, it was only $29.95 at the register,” said team president Howard Lincoln.

General Manager Bill Bavasi took full responsibility for the oversight, saying Thursday that he “always thought those things were a scam.”

Seize the Spring, Before it’s TOO LATE

With temperatures reaching all the way up into the 60s, and wet and dreary days giving way to partial clouds with a mere 50% chance of rain, spring has finally taken hold here in the Puget Sound. As we begin to venture outside, away from the comfort of our marble countertops and bamboo floors, it is fun to rediscover all that the outdoors has to offer around the sound. For the half of the population that moved here from California in the last year, springtime offers a host of all-new experiences.

Starbucks Tries to Out-McDonald’s McDonald’s

Seattle-based Starbucks Coffee—the McDonald’s of drug-laced drink outlets—faces an growing challenge to their core business model as Chicago-based McDonald’s—the McDonald’s of cheap and disgusting hamburgers—pushes into the world of over-priced status-symbol beverages with an increasingly intense campaign.

Starbucks has faced difficulty in recent years, as their increasingly ridiculous gimmicks have failed to draw in and retain a customer base capable of supporting their breakneck rate of expansion, peaking in 2007 when they opened an average of five new stores every second.

Bigoted Bumper Sticker Sighted, Punished

When Harrison Jenkins woke up on Monday, he thought his day would be no different than any other—go to work, banter about the usual inoffensive topics, do his job, listen to NPR… all the usual stuff. Unfortunately, Harrison’s tranquil bubble of tolerance and open-mindedness was violently popped as he drove the carpool to work on I-405.

“I was just driving along, minding my own business…

Puget Sound Group Denounces 100 MPG X PRIZE

The so-called “Progressive” Automotive X PRIZE is anything but progressive, said a newly-formed coalition of Puget Sound business and government leaders named Driving Undermines Humanity (DUH) in a press conference on Friday.

The Progressive Automotive X PRIZE is the latest in a series of privately-run technology competitions run by the X PRIZE Foundation. The foundation is best known for the showy but pointless flights of SpaceShipOne…

Jumbo-Sized Frosted Mini Wheats Blow Tukwila Man’s Mind

Twenty-eight-year-old Tukwila resident Steve Swenson had his mind blown on Saturday by the Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats: Big Bite cereal that he enjoyed for breakfast.

“I pulled the box out of the pantry and was like, whoa,” said Swenson, a Supply Chain Specialist for local aerospace manufacturer Boeing. “It’s like, they’re mini, but big at the same time… how is that possible?”