April 2008

Washington Poison Center Introduces Mr. Yum

The Washington Poison Center held a press conference today to announce the introduction of Mr. Yum, a new character that will be used to further their mission to properly condition children against poisons.

The new Mr. Yum character retains the familiar green color of the Mr. Yuk brand, but in place of an angry face sticking out its tongue, Mr. Yum sports a sly grin as he licks his lips.

Republicans with No Hope Make Pointless Run for Office

With the attention-span-challenged nation focused on a high-profile presidential campaign in which November’s winner is anyone’s guess, it’s easy to overlook the greater Seattle area’s boring, one-sided local electoral contests…

In an enlightened, superior progressive region such as the Puget Sound, candidates running under the pollution-loving, war-mongering, Bible-thumping Republican banner…

Student Exchange Program Benefits Bellevue Snobs and Auburn Peasants

For the past three months, Bellevue schools have been pioneering an exciting new student exchange program with school children in the immeasurably less fortunate village of Auburn, located in the poverty-stricken wastelands south of Seattle.

In the program, students from Bellevue schools endure a week living with a host family in Auburn while their counterparts are granted a temporary glimpse of life outside of the rural slums.

China Harbor Probably Not Just a Restaurant

Situated prominently on the western shore of Lake Union, the massive “restaurant” known as China Harbor has long been an object of suspicion in the local community. In a four-week undercover investigation, The Naked Loon has uncovered the startling truth about this so-called fine dining establishment.

For years Seattle residents have acknowledged to each other that there are few restaurants which require a warehouse large enough to build a 747 inside.

UW Research Concludes Screaming At Children Probably Not Beneficial

Researchers at the University of Washington released the results of their latest study on Tuesday in a paper titled “The effects of extreme verbal abuse on childhood psychological development.”
The thirteen-million-dollar, six-year study closely followed five hundred children aged three weeks through nine years, who were brought in on a weekly basis for two-hour sessions during which they were subjected to a non-stop barrage of profanity…

State Government Declares War on Toys

With a sweeping new bill signed into law by Christine Gregoire on Tuesday, Washington State’s government has officially declared war on children’s toys.

House Bill 2647 uses the guise of implementing the world’s strictest toy safety standards to execute what will effectively become a statewide ban on fun.

“Kids these days have way, way too much fun,” said Representative Mary Lou Dickerson.

DOT Announces New Ultra-Green Ferry Routes

Citing environmental concerns, the Washington State Department of Transportation announced new system-wide ferry routes today.

“Holy crap,” said state Transportation Secretary Paula Hammond, “it turns out that the Puget Sound has a lot of wildlife!” She explained that the new routes will allow ferries to avoid disturbing sensitive natural habitats, with the minor side effect of quadrupling most crossing times.

Tashkent, UZ Renounces Seattle Sister City Status

In an unanticipated turn of events this week, the entire city of Tashkent, Uzbekistan rose up with one voice and vehemently renounced their sister city status with Seattle.

The upheaval came as all of Tashkent was watching a recent speech by Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels. Details are sketchy, but it seems that Nickels’ comments on his proposed green-building program just happen to sound exactly like the most insulting curse in the Uzbek language.

Sonics Owners Announce Surprise Deal to Relocate Team to Tacoma

Despite a groundswell of support in Oklahoma and deal after deal offered by the city of Seattle, Sonics owners announced Thursday that they have just finalized a deal to move the team to Tacoma.

The announcement came as a shock to Seattle leaders who, since the team’s sale to Oklahoma City businessman Clay Bennett in 2006, had offered an unending stream of dismal, inadequate plans…

Violence at UW Linked to Professors

After months of chasing dead ends, police investigating a recent wave of violent attacks at the University of Washington have finally broken the case wide open.

Following a tip from an anonymous student, police staged an elaborate three-week stakeout operation that led to the break in the case, and the arrest of seven individuals. Unconfirmed reports have confirmed that those arrested were in fact tenured faculty at the university.

City Council Votes to Make Seattle “Greenest City Ever”

In a 7-2 decision on Monday, the Seattle City Council passed a sweeping city-wide program intended to literally make Seattle the “Greenest City Ever,” by painting each and every structure within the city limits a delightful shade of forest green. Residents and businesses alike will be required to participate in the new program, which will begin in 2010.

“We’ve made a lot of progress toward becoming the leader in green issues…”