Live It Up on 32 Cents a Day (or Less)

So the economy is in the toilet, your 401(k) is worthless, you lost all three of your jobs, your bank went under, and the Second Great Depression is underway. You’re a fighter, and you are going to keep on living it up. You won’t let little things like not having any money stop you from enjoying life.

Here are some helpful tips to will help you maintain a fun standard of living during these difficult times.

The Economic Meltdown Has Gone Too Far

When the stock market fell thirty percent, it was rough, but I knew I could handle it since I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me. When Washington Mutual went under and had its bones picked clean by a hoity toity New York bank, I knew I would miss their low fees and laid-back attitude, but life goes on.

But when I learned last week that Mother’s Cookies has gone under, that’s when I knew that the economic meltdown had gone too far.

Sterilizations Skyrocket as Economy Crumbles

With the future looking bleaker by the day in the face of unprecedented economic meltdown, tens of thousands of people across the country are turning to sterilization to help them cope with the disaster.

Clinics in virtually every city in America have been flooded with requests for sterilization from middle-age professionals, teens barely out of puberty, and everyone in between. Without exception, those receiving the procedures have cited the country’s dismal, expensive future as explanation.

Deprivation and Despair Overwhelm Seattle

The growing worldwide economic crisis has finally hit home, as residents across the Puget Sound are taking unprecedented measures to make it through these tough times. The Naked Loon performed a series of man on the street interviews with regular folks about how they are coping with financial despair.

What follows are unedited excerpts of these heart-wrenching personal tales.

Former WaMu Customers Peeved at New JPMorgan Ads

Call centers at New York-based JPMorgan Chase & Co. were flooded with angry calls this week following the company’s launch of their first advertising campaign in the newly-acquired Seattle market.

Former WaMu customers were livid at the slogan used in the ads: “We’re Like You, But Much Richer™.” The television spots feature dozens of caricatures of Northwesterners such as “Logger,” “Grunge Band Guitarist,” and “Radio Psychologist.”

Schadenfreude Means Big Money for Local Musician

As the stock market continues its historic plunge, one local musician is making literally tens of dollars on an original hit song: Wall Street Inferno.

Ballard resident Michael Locowitz generally spends his days trolling various internet message boards, arguing heatedly about the latest headlines. However, internet arguments had to take a back seat when inspiration struck as Locowitz watched the stock market tumble last week.

Paulson to Congress: You’re Mine Now, Suckas

Emboldened by the swift passage of his $700 billion Emergency Economic Stabilization Act, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson went before Congress on Monday to introduce a series of sweeping new bills that, when passed, will effectively declare Paulson to be the ultimate ruler of the universe for all time.

“I didn’t really think I could do it,” said Paulson, referring to the rapid passage of the $700 billion Wall Street bailout…

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CREDIT IN CRISIS: Naked Loon Special Edition

The credit crisis is probably the biggest disaster to strike our nation since we narrowly avoided a deadly bird flu epidemic. Or was it SARS. Anyway, the point is that if not for the BIG BOLD HEADLINES and terrifying stories all over the evening news for weeks straight, we surely would have endured massive carnage.

So in the time-honored journalism tradition of relentlessly beating the big scary story of the day with a seemingly unending steam of sensationalist stories, I present CREDIT IN CRISIS: Naked Loon Special Edition.

What This Family Needs is a $700K Emergency Loan

I think it’s time this we sat down for a little talk about family finances. Billy, Judy, Cindy… come on into the living room with your mother and I. We need to have a serious discussion about the present crisis this family is facing, and work together to find a way out of this mess.

Sure, we could sit around all day and argue the petty details, like whether or not it was a good idea to spend $600,000 on a 4-bedroom rambler in Renton…

Voters Infuriated by Unexpected Breakout of Responsibility in Congress

In an unprecedented showing of clear-headedness and restraint, the House of Representatives denied a $700 billion bailout bill designed to keep bankers from suffering the consequences of loaning money to people that cannot pay it back.

As the DOW plunged nearly 800 points following the failure of the bill, angry American voters began flooding congressional switchboards, fax machines, and email inboxes.