Senate Passes Puppies & Kittens Rescue Bill

In a bold move Wednesday night the United States Senate overwhelmingly passed H. R. 1424, the “Puppies and Kittens Rescue Act of 2008.”

“At this crucial juncture in our nation’s history, it is imperative that we take bold measures to protect our puppies and kittens from harm,” said Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy.

The bill is virtually identical to the “Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008,” which was recklessly voted down earlier in the week by members of the House of Representatives that hate America and hope for a complete collapse of society as we know it.

In order to ensure its passage, the new version of the bill has added provisions for rescuing puppies and kittens, prohibiting the sale of automatic rifles to toddlers, and imposing harsher penalties for flag-burning child rapists.

With the additions, as well as its new, less controversial title, the bill easily cleared the Senate, passing 74 to 25, and is expected to be passed by the House later this week.

“I voted against the bailout of Wall Street,” said Representative Dave Reichert of Washington State’s 8th District. “But with the added protection for puppies and kittens, I’ll probably vote yes this time.”

President Bush was pleased by the Senate’s swift response to the growing puppy and kitten crisis. “The passage of this improved piece of legislation will go a long ways to stabilize the situation, so that the crisis of distressed puppies and weaponized toddlers does not get worse,” said Bush.

Beaming with pride in their ability to do something—anything, it doesn’t matter what—about the growing calamity, members of the Senate had stern words of warning for the House.

“If the puppy and kitten rescue bill fails in the House, this crisis of cuddly proportions will surely become an outright disaster,” said Arizona Senator and presidential hopeful John McCain. “However, I am confident that there are enough pro-cuteness people in both parties to help see America through these trying times.”

All eyes now turn to the House, where opponents of puppy and kitten rescuing will be given a chance to defend their abhorrent, morally repugnant positions leading up to Friday’s vote.