When was the last time you thought about birds? I mean really pondered them. Like turn off the TV and the music, shut yourself in a dark closet, and meditate on birds.
Since your answer probably rhymed with “sever” (shame on you), I’m going to take a moment to share some of my recent deep, contemplative thoughts about birds.
How many birds would you say you have seen in the past month? What about the past year? I’ve probably seen tens of thousands of birds in just the last few months, including thousands of crows that fly over my house every day at dusk.
So what? So there are a lot of birds flying around—big freakin’ deal, right?
Well it seems innocent enough, until you consider the flip side.
How many dead birds have you seen in your entire lifetime? I’m betting less than a few dozen. Doesn’t that seem a bit odd to you? Where do all those cocky feathered jerks go when they die?
Granted, living, breathing birds flying about the sky are a lot easier to spot than a lifeless fist-sized ball of feathers, but thanks to science, we know that is not a sufficient explanation for the entire discrepancy.
There are three possible explanations for this disturbing reality:
- Birds seek out a secluded place to die in peace.
- The cause of death listed on in the obituaries of the vast majority of birds is “eaten by predator” (thus no body).
- Birds are actually holographic spies, controlled by superior alien intellects.
I asked a number of local scientists to weigh in on the issue, and none of them could offer any more convincing explanations. Granted, after the fifth scientist spat in my face, I began to suspect that they were not taking me seriously.
However, since I was unable to uncover a better explanation in the scientific community, I think we should probably play it safe and assume that we’re being watched by holographic alien spies.
What better way to spy on and manipulate the people of Earth? With the natural ability to fly, birds can travel practically anywhere, and are in an excellent position to conduct whatever visual or audible observation is required. Why do you think we use the phrase “bird’s-eye view”?
Unfortunately, there’s no way to know where the birds are from, or why they’re observing us, but it’s good to know what they’re up to. Knowing is half the battle, after all. The other half is having a massive army equipped with laser death rays and force shields. I’m going to go see what I can do about getting the scientists working on that.