Articles by John Fostr

Discovery of Twitter Gives Bellevue Man False Sense of Technological Prowess

BELLEVUE, WA — 38-year-old Joe Millar of Bellevue experienced a satisfying surge of adrenaline Friday upon his discovery of Twitter, the so-called “micro-blogging” internet service founded in March 2006.

When he received the new account email from Twitter, Millar was completely overwhelmed by a totally undeserved sense of tech savvy. According to internet experts (i.e. teenagers), over six million users managed to discover Twitter before Millar.

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WSDOT Inadvertently Creates Video Game Gem

Okay, so I had an interesting thought while watching this video uploaded by WSDOT to show off the fancy new Viaduct tunnel plan that is totally, for real, absolutely, definitely what we’re going to do you guys, we really mean it this time.

Here’s the video:

Check out the fly-in from about 0:12 to 0:30. Here’s the big question that comes to my mind when watching that sweet 3D shot of downtown Seattle… Why in the heck aren’t these digital assets being used in video games?

Bizarre Weather System to Slam Washington this Winter

Meteorologists at the University of Washington issued a warning to Pacific Northwest residents Wednesday for an extreme weather system this winter.

“We have recently weathered both El Niño and her little sister La Niña,” said UW meteorologist Stan Cooper. But the danger looming on the horizon is far worse. “Citizens should prepare for the worst this winter as Basura Blanca, El Niño’s drunken neighbor, hits the Northwest in full force.”

Local Flooding Bewilders Weather Scientists

As flood waters began to recede Thursday on the Snoqualmie and Tolt rivers in east King County, baffled scientists are attempting to understand the strange unpredictable phenomenon that caused hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage to area residents.

Dozens of homes, businesses, and roads were flooded this week in what scientists describe as “a bizarre and incredibly unlikely combination of events.”

Boeing Engineer Bests Personal Castle Defense Record

As striking machinists returned to work on Monday, Renton-based Boeing engineer Mark Waring took a celebratory day off, to reward himself for achieving a major life goal: finally reaching level 50 in the web-based game Defend Your Castle.

After many hours of intense labor throughout the machinists’ strike, Waring finally was able to break past level 42, which had been the furthest level he had been able to achieve in the previous three hundred games.

Google to Seattle: Seriously Guys, Drop Dead

In a hand-written note wrapped around a brick thrown through a Seattle City Hall window, San Francisco-based Google Inc. reiterated its position Wednesday that they will “never, ever, not in a thousand million years be bringing Street View to Seattle.”

The message from the internet giant cleared up confusion among Seattle residents, a number of whom reported spotting Google Street View cars roaming area streets over four months ago…

Sterilizations Skyrocket as Economy Crumbles

With the future looking bleaker by the day in the face of unprecedented economic meltdown, tens of thousands of people across the country are turning to sterilization to help them cope with the disaster.

Clinics in virtually every city in America have been flooded with requests for sterilization from middle-age professionals, teens barely out of puberty, and everyone in between. Without exception, those receiving the procedures have cited the country’s dismal, expensive future as explanation.

Deadly Butt-Cheek Disease Thwarted by Paper Seat Cover

PIKE PLACE MARKET, SEATTLE – A deadly strain of Hinternoccoci bacteria was soundly thwarted in its attempt to spread from a public toilet seat to the butt-cheek of area man Todd Stanley Tuesday.

Before taking his seat on the public toilet, Stanley carefully removed a paper toilet seat cover from the “Health Guard” dispenser in the stall, placing it squarely on the communal throne.

Software Pirates Steal $2 Million in Weekend Raid on Microsoft Offices

Software pirates raided the Redmond offices of Microsoft this weekend, stealing thousands of copies of Windows, Office, and other software valued at over $2 million.

The burglary is the latest in an ongoing battle between Microsoft and the software pirates, whose ongoing thefts of retail-packaged software cost the company hundreds of millions of dollars every year.

“These robberies are costly to us,” said Microsoft spokeswoman Jill Jakes, “but the real victim here is the customer. Every copy of Windows Vista Ultimate Edition that is stolen by pirates is a copy that we can’t sell to a customer for three hundred and twenty dollars.”

Gaming Geeks Convert Seattle to Ultimate Nerdtopia

Seattle’s electric grid faces the ultimate challenge this weekend as tens of thousands of video game nerds from all corners of the country descend upon downtown, gadgets and games in hand for the Penny Arcade Expo, a three-day nerdtopia at the Washington State Convention Center.

Well over fifty thousand socially awkward, sun-starved nerds and geeks packed the convention center to the gills as the expo got underway Friday. Ultranerd video game writer Ken Levine kicked off the ceremonies as the keynote speaker, inspiring the pasty masses with the tale of his personal transformation from socially awkward child to socially awkward adult.