The Space Needle is totally around here somewhere, I’m sure of it.
Yes, I realize we’ve been wandering around downtown for two hours now. That just means we must be close, right?
No, I will not stop to ask for directions. I realize that this is our first time Seattle, and I may not know where every little thing is located. But I’ll be danged if I stoop to getting any so-called direction from one of these prancified coffee-swilling yuppies.
Following a series of reports this week from Puget Sound residents returning from the arid wasteland of Eastern Washington where they witnessed Dino Rossi campaign signs bearing the message “Don’t Let Seattle Steal This Election,” Christine Gregoire has launched a counter-offensive campaign in King County.
Campaign spokesman Aaron Toso explained the move, saying, “Dino Rossi is pure evil. It’s time we brought that message to the people of Seattle.”
Taking full advantage of the recent explosive popularity of hybrid vehicles, Honda has unveiled their latest breakthrough in automotive technology: the octabrid car.
“Continuing the tradition of innovation that we began with the Insight, Honda is proud to announce our exciting new car,” said a press release from Honda. “The new Honda Stan is powered by eight different fuel sources, making it four times better than the hybrids on the market today.”
In lieu of a traditional gas-powered engine, the Honda Stan is equipped with a cutting-edge drive system that converts eight sources of energy into motion…
As the strike of over 13,000 truckers in South Korea stretched into its fifth day today, grim ramifications are beginning to take shape.
Over seventy-five percent of South Korea’s forty-nine million citizens spend more than 18 hours a day playing online games such as Starcraft, FIFA Soccer, and KartRider, but due to the transit strike fun and games have given way to a brutal fight for survival. Online gamers in dimly-lit apartments and internet cafés are running critically low on important staples such as Cheetos and Mountain Dew.
Starting a new job may be intimidating, but it can also be a source of great entertainment. The best part about starting a new job is when you get to sit around for an entire day of orientation, doing little more than cramming your face with junk food as your new employer force-feeds you multiple videos telling you all about such thrilling topics as how bad it is to harass anybody and how good it is to be safe.
In keeping with the proud tradition of print journalism, we generally shy away from the devilish work of the italic on the pages of The Naked Loon, but the orientation videos we are reviewing today were so dramatic, we had to make a special exception.
Ride the SLUT to work!
Looking for a thrilling career? Look no further than Amazon! You can join our team and work on all kinds of exciting SQL, DHTML/XML, GBRSH, and hundreds more techno-abbreviations that are sure to impress your tech-ignorant extended family back in whatever backward Midwest town you escaped from. Visit the website for info. If it’s not down again, that is.
Got a great body?
Hot Lips Espresso is hiring! One of our baristas just went through a difficult breakup, resulting in a few too many nights spent with Ben & Jerry, if you get our drift. So, we’re on the hunt for some new eye-candy to trick all those lonely love-starved men into buying our overpriced coffee. If your age and BMI are both under 19, apply today! Call 206-HOT-LIPS for more details.
I’m a reasonable, tolerant person, but I admit, there are a few things that I do not tolerate: intolerance, coffee beans that are not fair trade and certified organic, Wal*Mart, carbon emissions, the neighbors’ gosh darned cats in my yard.
In fact, I’m putting out this official warning right now: Neighbors that do not want pieces of their cats to be individually wrapped and delivered on their doorstep need to keep them the heck out of my yard.
As you walk the happening streets of Ballard, you may occasionally overhear some trendy young people talking about something called “Internet.” Internet is like a kind of world-wide computer brain that knows everything. With Internet you can find the answer any question and satisfy any craving, no matter how base and repulsive it may be.
Getting Internet into your home can be tricky, which is why The Naked Loon has compiled this quick guide to getting Internet.
In order to get Internet, you first need to realize what Internet is, and just as importantly, what it is not. It’s not a big truck that you can just back up to your garage or something. You need technology to get Internet.
An exciting new television series set right here in Seattle is scheduled to begin this off-season, and The Naked Loon is here to bring you the scoop.
Everyone knows someone that has been affected by some type of disaster: earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, Republicans… Here in the Northwest we’ve been fortunate not to have been struck by many extreme disasters, but every time we hear of catastrophes like a big earthquake in Asia or yet another monster attack on New York City, we can’t help but wonder: what if a big disaster struck here?
The answer to that question is simple: we are thoroughly screwed. However…
With the budgets of the average American experiencing an increasing crunch, one way that many families are exploring to cut back expenses is by getting a more fuel efficient car. Of course, since budgets are tight, they’re not headed to the new car dealers, but to America’s favorite hangout: the used car lot.
The purpose of this article is to give you, the used car consumer, a guide to help you understand car-sales-speak. Here are some of the things that car salesmen like to say, and what they mean in plain English:
Let’s talk for a moment about road trips. Sure, gas prices are making all our ears bleed, but why should we let that stop us from making summer road trips?
What is there not to love about a road trip? Spending hours at a time crammed into a high-speed tin can is our kind of fun. Spewing out noxious fumes as we cruse the hills and plains, all the while emptying our wallets as we rack up credit card debt to fill the tank every 300 miles.
Although most families find that the onset of a recession is a hardship to be overcome, there is a silver lining to every cloud. One such example is the makers of various anti-depressant medications, for whom the prospect of impending national economic difficulty is like winning the lottery.
As consumers across the nation tighten their belts and cut back on all but the basic necessities, often the first things to go are the budgets for entertainment and eating out. While a lack of amusing distractions coupled with a job loss or pay cut may leave families feeling down and out, it has drug makers smiling ear to ear.
“In these trying times,” said Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler, “we are overjoyed to be in a position that allows us to reap massive profits by giving people the ability to chemically alter their mood.”
With it being Memorial Day Weekend, and me having no friends or family to invite me camping, or to a BBQ, or even a t-ball game I spent my weekend lounging around my second home, the Oak Tree Cinemas on Aurora. Since I have yet to receive payment for my contributions around here I couldn’t actually afford to see any movies. But, as I sat in the lobby pretending to play Cruis’n World I was able to overhear the crowds as they left the new “summer” blockbuster Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Here’s what they had to say…
It is time to admit the obvious. We have failed. It’s the year 2008 and we’re still waiting for the future to arrive.
What the hell, people? Where did we go wrong? Wasn’t the future supposed to be, like, a thousand times cooler than this? How is it that our biggest concerns in today’s society are gas prices and doing daily chores?
How is it that we were able to go all the way to the MOON in 1969, but today the best that a robot servant can do is vacuum floors or clean gutters.
Hi, my name is Alexander and I am in the eighth grade. I am an above average English student and author. I don’t prefer to write very much, but I can write pretty good. I can do poetry O.K. if I try real hard, as I have done in this column. This column will show my creativity. Some of the poems will not be that great, but they are my best.
Thank You, and enjoy.