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Politics 2008-06-11

Burner Campaign Runs on Blind Optimism and Rainbows

Despite having pulled off a rare loss in a nationwide sea electoral victories for Democrats in 2006, 8th District Democrat Darcy Burner retains a foolish sense of optimism about her prospects of winning in this year’s rematch with Congressman Dave Reichert.

Burner brings a number of strong advantages to the table in 2008 that she did not have in 2006. Her experience as a political hopeful has now topped three years, which is over three times as extensive as it was in 2006. She also sees her 2006 loss as a strong advantage for her 2008 campaign. “The Democrat majority in congress has as yet failed to end the war in Iraq,” said Burner, “but when I am elected I will single-handedly bring our troops home and end the imperialistic oppression of the Iraqi people.”

Opinion 2008-06-10

Neighbors that Want Their Cats to Stay in One Piece Need to Keep Them Out of My Dang Yard

I’m a reasonable, tolerant person, but I admit, there are a few things that I do not tolerate: intolerance, coffee beans that are not fair trade and certified organic, Wal*Mart, carbon emissions, the neighbors’ gosh darned cats in my yard.

In fact, I’m putting out this official warning right now: Neighbors that do not want pieces of their cats to be individually wrapped and delivered on their doorstep need to keep them the heck out of my yard.

Sci/Tech 2008-06-09

Millions of Nerds Wet Pants in Excitement Over New iPhone

With millions of breathless, quivering nerds hanging on his every live-blogged word, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the specifics today of the latest incremental improvements in the company’s flagship product, the iPhone.

The unveiling of such exciting new features as a black plastic back, metal buttons, and an optional white case for the 16GB model make the iPhone 2.0 the most exciting new device in the history of electronics, and quite possibly the greatest technological achievement in all the universe.

Reactions among Seattle-area nerds were especially enthusiastic…

Living 2008-06-07

How To: Get Internet in Your Own Home

As you walk the happening streets of Ballard, you may occasionally overhear some trendy young people talking about something called “Internet.” Internet is like a kind of world-wide computer brain that knows everything. With Internet you can find the answer any question and satisfy any craving, no matter how base and repulsive it may be.

Getting Internet into your home can be tricky, which is why The Naked Loon has compiled this quick guide to getting Internet.

In order to get Internet, you first need to realize what Internet is, and just as importantly, what it is not. It’s not a big truck that you can just back up to your garage or something. You need technology to get Internet.

US/World 2008-06-06

US Government to Distribute Stimulus Morphine Injections

A complete lack of positive results from the economic stimulus checks being sent out to American families since early last month has led the federal government to try a more aggressive stimulus: Morphine.

“It appears that most of the stimulus checks are being used to catch up on bills or pay off debt,” said Treasury spokesman Andrew DeSouza. “We tried to make it clear that these checks were supposed to be spent on frivolous consumer goods, but it seems that the American people are too selfish to come together and properly stimulate the economy.”

Arts & Entertainment 2008-06-05

New Reality Show to Pre-Place Blame for Area Disasters

An exciting new television series set right here in Seattle is scheduled to begin this off-season, and The Naked Loon is here to bring you the scoop.

Everyone knows someone that has been affected by some type of disaster: earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, Republicans… Here in the Northwest we’ve been fortunate not to have been struck by many extreme disasters, but every time we hear of catastrophes like a big earthquake in Asia or yet another monster attack on New York City, we can’t help but wonder: what if a big disaster struck here?

The answer to that question is simple: we are thoroughly screwed. However…

Local 2008-06-04

Officials Shocked to Discover Sex Acts for Sale at Strip Club

Documents filed in federal court on Monday revealed the results of an extensive law enforcement investigation into a series of strip clubs across King, Pierce, and Snohomish counties. Officials were shocked to learn that performers at the clubs were not only being paid to sensually remove all their clothes in private one-on-one shows, but it turns out they were also performing illegal naughty deeds for money as well.

“It really was surprising,” said one FBI agent who declined to give his name. “I mean, who would have guessed that when you pay young girls to dance around naked in front of a bunch of horny men, they end up disregarding the ‘look but don’t touch’ laws?”

Business 2008-06-03

Naked Loon Used Car SalesSpeak Translation Guide

With the budgets of the average American experiencing an increasing crunch, one way that many families are exploring to cut back expenses is by getting a more fuel efficient car. Of course, since budgets are tight, they’re not headed to the new car dealers, but to America’s favorite hangout: the used car lot.

The purpose of this article is to give you, the used car consumer, a guide to help you understand car-sales-speak. Here are some of the things that car salesmen like to say, and what they mean in plain English:

Politics 2008-06-02

Poll: Political Campaigns Not Nasty Enough Yet

A recent poll of three thousand Americans revealed that a majority of likely voters believe that this year’s political campaigns have been too civil to date, and would like to see the volume of spite and malice turned up a few notches.

“This year’s mudslinging has gotten off to a decent start,” said pollster Jim Hornswall, citing examples of allegedly-unofficial smears such as the Barrack Hussein Obama: Muslim Terrorist Lover video on YouTube and the John McCain is a Senile Old Coot blog. “But voters are craving more,” he said.

Americans are already tired of hearing about the so-called “issues” such as Obama’s plan to bring troops home from Iraq or McCain’s position on climate change…

Opinion 2008-05-31

Moderately Insane Road Trip Ideas

Let’s talk for a moment about road trips. Sure, gas prices are making all our ears bleed, but why should we let that stop us from making summer road trips?

What is there not to love about a road trip? Spending hours at a time crammed into a high-speed tin can is our kind of fun. Spewing out noxious fumes as we cruse the hills and plains, all the while emptying our wallets as we rack up credit card debt to fill the tank every 300 miles.

Sci/Tech 2008-05-30

Rampaging Children to Blame for Massive Bee Disappearance

Scientists at the University of Washington have discovered that the cause of massive honey bee deaths is not a fungus or virus as previously thought, but is in fact due to the intentional sabotage of hundreds of thousands of children armed with fly swatters.

The sudden disappearance of worker bees from colonies across North America known as Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) has been mystifying scientists since 2006. Many theories have been put forward to try to explain the phenomenon; scientists have explored a variety of explanations ranging from cell phone radiation to synchronized swan assaults. However, researchers overlooked the simplest explanation: frightened children.

US/World 2008-05-29

Anti-Depressant Manufacturers Thrilled by Oncoming Recession

Although most families find that the onset of a recession is a hardship to be overcome, there is a silver lining to every cloud. One such example is the makers of various anti-depressant medications, for whom the prospect of impending national economic difficulty is like winning the lottery.

As consumers across the nation tighten their belts and cut back on all but the basic necessities, often the first things to go are the budgets for entertainment and eating out. While a lack of amusing distractions coupled with a job loss or pay cut may leave families feeling down and out, it has drug makers smiling ear to ear.

“In these trying times,” said Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler, “we are overjoyed to be in a position that allows us to reap massive profits by giving people the ability to chemically alter their mood.”

Living 2008-05-28

Naked Loon Travel: Boston

As a resident of the greater Seattle area, you know that there is no better place on Earth than the perfect paradise we live in here in the Puget Sound.

While traveling outside of our green and blue utopia is a decidedly bizarre and unnatural course of action, it is understandable that you might sometimes find yourself wondering what life is like for the unprivileged masses that are doomed to live in the less desirable 99.99% of the planet.

Thankfully for you, The Naked Loon is rushing to your aid yet again, going places you don’t want to go and coming back to bring you all the disturbing details. This month’s punishing journey takes our roving reporter 2,500 miles away, clear over to the shriveled husk of an allegedly-once-great city: Boston, Massachusetts.