Former President Ronald Reagan returned from the afterlife Wednesday to deliver a message to members of the Republican Party: “You are the problem.”
In a blatant beyond-the-grave violation of the 11th commandment—thou shalt not speak ill of another Republican—a ghostly image of Reagan floated over his tomb at the Reagan Library in Simi Valley and launched into a two-hour tirade against the Republican party in general and a number of Republicans specifically.
“What the hell, guys,” said the spectre, visibly agitated. “How is it possible that so many of you can be claiming my legacy and yet continue to so dramatically screw things up?”
The spirit covered dozens of topics in his other-worldly speech, from the principles of limited government and defense policy to basic human nature.
“What part of ‘man is not free unless government is limited’ was difficult for you to understand,” asked Reagan. “I mean, it’s not like it’s a difficult concept. And yet, you’ve increased the size of government at every opportunity.
“Republicans have been in control of either Congress or the Presidency for eighteen of the twenty years since I left office, and yet in that short time you’ve managed to double the size of the federal budget, add hundreds of new federal agencies, and destroy the optimism of the American people,” ranted Reagan. “Good going, geniuses.”
The furious phantom cataloged hundreds of grievances against modern Republicans, including the creation of the Department of Homeland Security, passing policies that helped inflate the housing bubble, and rampant pork barrel spending, which he referred to as “absolutely vomit-inducing.”
“Don’t even get me started on the current candidates that have been invoking my name as if they somehow represent the values that I stood for,” said the apparition, an hour into the diatribe. “McCain, Romney, Huckabee… who do these jokers think they’re fooling?”
In order to eliminate any further confusion, Reagan laid out some simple actions that today’s Republicans could take to truly carry on his legacy.
“First off, every current representative and senator needs to resign—right now,” he said. “Secondly, at least seventy-five percent of current government programs are a total waste—get rid of them. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to try smiling once in a while.”
As he wrapped up his post-mortem speech, he exhorted the American people to take action. “Don’t get me wrong,” said the spirit. “I’m not saying you should vote for Democrats. The entire system needs to be purged of the self-serving frauds and phonies that have spread like a virus through all levels of government.”
“I know that America’s future can be bright once again,” said Reagan, as he faded from view, “no thanks to today’s so-called Republicans.”
Wow, this is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever read. It starts in poor taste, never gets funny, and doesn’t even come close to representing reality. It might have been moderately successful if the words actually sounded SOMETHING like what Reagan might have said, but they don’t.
Extremely weak effort.
About time someone said something!
Yo, pudge, it actually is fairly funny if you’re thinking about the current campaigns and reputations of today’s incumbents. Why does it HAVE to sound exactly the way you think Reagan might speak?
Weak commenting effort.
Good story! Let’s not forget, however, that Reagan actively increased the size of the gov’t until it became the largest & spendiest in the history of the world, at the time. His talk was just a ruse.
Ulysses: shrug. The way I enjoy humor like this, such as in The Onion, is to take the fantastic rules set up at the beginning — e.g., Reagan comes back to life and gives Republicans a lecture about conservatism — and then be consistent within those parameters. It is not just what I *think* Reagan would have sounded like, there’s simply no way he would sound like that. It makes it terribly unfunny.
Because then instead of the fantastic rules being “Reagan comes back to life and gives Republicans a lecture about conservatism,” which could be funny, they are “Reagan comes back to life and gives Republicans a lecture about conservatism and talks like he never did, or would have, talked.” And that’s not funny.
The Onion has this problem too, on occasion, FWIW.
It might have been far funnier if instead of saying, “How is it possible that so many of you can be claiming my legacy and yet continue to so dramatically screw things up?,” he took a more “grandfatherly” tone, rather than an antagonistic one. The voice is just all wrong. And even if he was going to be angry and antagonistic, talk about things, and use language, that would fit him.
For instance, Reagan very well might have approved of DHS, and there were no significant Republican-passed policies that inflated the housing bubble (and if there were, he would be specific), and Reagan was actually an admirer of John McCain’s small-government efforts in the Senate, which have not significant changed in the last 20 years, so he certainly wouldn’t have flippantly said of McCain, “who does that joker think he is fooling?”
And this is all apart from the general bad taste, which actually, IMO, is more offensive in its laziness than anything else. Everyone says “so-and-so would roll over in his grave,” and “if so-and-so were alive today … .” It’s tired.
I hope I am not bashing this too much. I am sure I have written more than ity deserves. :-) I really love a good joke, even when directed at me and mine. This just isn’t one, IMO. The best jokes are ones that best reflect reality, with a twist. This has too many twists, such that it no longer represents reality very well.
Markor, Reagan did not increase spending at all. It was the Congress that increased the spending.