Nearly one week after attending a big family get-together in the Portland area, 20-year-old Burien emo Nathan Peters is reportedly only halfway through the process of emotional detox.
“It’s just so much to try to handle all at once, you know?” Said Peters. “All these happy relatives and so-called friends that have oh so much to be thankful for that they feel the need to mercilessly rub it in my face for three days straight every November.”
According to sources close to Peters, the white, middle-class slacker truly has nothing whatsoever to be thankful for.
“He broke up with his girlfriend three months ago, there hasn’t been a good album released in nearly ten weeks, and to top it all off, Hot Topic stopped carrying his color of black nail polish,” said Mike Acheson, Peters’ roommate. “Frankly I don’t even know where he found the strength to make it to the train station for the trip.”
After spending no less than three hours a day since August dreading the upcoming festivities, Peters reported that the pain of enduring the unbridled display of jovial attitudes and familial love was even worse than he had anticipated.
“How my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins can be so upbeat and allegedly thankful is completely beyond my ability to comprehend,” lamented Peters as he polished off yet another leftover turkey sandwich.
Peters had hoped to avoid the get-together completely, specifically requesting that his boss at the record store schedule him to work on Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, he was informed that the store would be closed for the entire weekend, dashing Peters’ hopes of constructing a valid excuse.
In the days following his return from the Portland area, Peters’ routine has consisted primarily of skulking about his apartment, posting brooding poetry to his LiveJournal, and staring at the dead houseplant he keeps at his desk. While these habits are largely the same as what Peters’ filled his days with prior to the holiday weekend, his roommates report that he now performs them with “a more enthusiastic degree of lethargy.”
It is unknown how long Peters’ funk will last, or whether the casual observer will even be able to tell the difference once it has ended.
“a more enthusiastic degree of lethargy”!! 4 U mocking us!