Articles by Josh Devena

Absolutely Nothing Happens for 10,000th-Straight Day in Tiny North Dakota Town

The town of Donnybrook, North Dakota was a complete and utter bore today as absolutely nothing happened for the ten-thousandth consecutive day.

There were no crimes, no good deeds, no business deals, no mushy reunions, and no rampaging chimps escaped from the local zoo (there is no zoo) flinging poo on the citizenry.

The last time anything happened in Donnybrook was February 10th, 1981…

South Korean Transit Strike Disrupts Gamer Junk Food Supply

As the strike of over 13,000 truckers in South Korea stretched into its fifth day today, grim ramifications are beginning to take shape.

Over seventy-five percent of South Korea’s forty-nine million citizens spend more than 18 hours a day playing online games such as Starcraft, FIFA Soccer, and KartRider, but due to the transit strike fun and games have given way to a brutal fight for survival. Online gamers in dimly-lit apartments and internet cafés are running critically low on important staples such as Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

US Government to Distribute Stimulus Morphine Injections

A complete lack of positive results from the economic stimulus checks being sent out to American families since early last month has led the federal government to try a more aggressive stimulus: Morphine.

“It appears that most of the stimulus checks are being used to catch up on bills or pay off debt,” said Treasury spokesman Andrew DeSouza. “We tried to make it clear that these checks were supposed to be spent on frivolous consumer goods, but it seems that the American people are too selfish to come together and properly stimulate the economy.”

Anti-Depressant Manufacturers Thrilled by Oncoming Recession

Although most families find that the onset of a recession is a hardship to be overcome, there is a silver lining to every cloud. One such example is the makers of various anti-depressant medications, for whom the prospect of impending national economic difficulty is like winning the lottery.

As consumers across the nation tighten their belts and cut back on all but the basic necessities, often the first things to go are the budgets for entertainment and eating out. While a lack of amusing distractions coupled with a job loss or pay cut may leave families feeling down and out, it has drug makers smiling ear to ear.

“In these trying times,” said Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler, “we are overjoyed to be in a position that allows us to reap massive profits by giving people the ability to chemically alter their mood.”

China Declares War on Tectonic Plates

In response to Monday’s devastating earthquake, the People’s Republic of China has declared war on Earth’s tectonic plates.

“Killing over 10,000 of our citizens and destroying our highways, schools, hospitals, and countless homes is clearly an act of war,” said Premier Wen Jiabao. “For too long we have allowed the brutal aggressions of the tectonic plates to go unanswered—no more.”

Australia Welcomes Complete Lawlessness

Embracing the country’s long history as the premier place to send the lawless, Australia’s Prime Minister Kevin Rudd announced today that the country will do away with laws entirely.

Prime Minister Rudd responded to probing questions from the press by hurling microphones at reporters and challenging indignant cameramen to fisticuffs.

A public vote was held on Monday, in which 97% of the citizens voted in favor of eliminating the overbearing burden that rules and regulations have brought upon the one-time haven for the lawless.

Bossy Hummingbirds Take Over Small Kentucky Town

In an unprecedented turn of events, a small town in rural Kentucky has been completely taken over by hummingbirds.

Seemingly no different from ordinary hummingbirds, the diminutive birds have descended on the town of Blandville by the tens of thousands, completely subjugating the population of approximately 100 citizens.

“They done came down out of that there sky, and completely surrounded our house,” said Blandville resident Slyvia Snodgrass.

American Airlines Cancels All Flights, Forever

After canceling nearly 2,500 flights in a test-run earlier in the week, American Airlines announced today that they would be canceling all future flights, effective immediately.

While the earlier cancellations were ostensibly implemented in order to perform some necessary wiring repairs, the airline revealed today that they were in fact merely an experiment to determine whether they could operate on a flight-free business model.

Tashkent, UZ Renounces Seattle Sister City Status

In an unanticipated turn of events this week, the entire city of Tashkent, Uzbekistan rose up with one voice and vehemently renounced their sister city status with Seattle.

The upheaval came as all of Tashkent was watching a recent speech by Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels. Details are sketchy, but it seems that Nickels’ comments on his proposed green-building program just happen to sound exactly like the most insulting curse in the Uzbek language.

Congress Passes Some Bill

Today on Capitol Hill, facing a number of important issues and difficult obstacles, Congress passed legislation aimed at doing something.

Members of the House and Senate voted for the bill, except for those that voted against it. Congressional records show that there were a large number of votes in favor of the bill versus a smaller number of opposing votes in the House, and a similar match-up in the Senate.