October 2008

The Naked Loon Reviews: TV Comedies

In three short weeks, this delightful election season will finally come to an end, as the thrilling climax wraps up well over a year of non-stop entertainment. Unfortunately, once the post-election rioting dies down, millions of Americans will be left with a frightening entertainment void.

Luckily, thanks to the beauty and majesty of network television, Americans need not fear being forced to face the depressing reality of their pathetic everyday lives.

Rossi, Gregoire Trade Literal Blows in Final Debate

The final debate between gubernatorial candidates Dino Rossi and Christine Gregoire turned ugly last night as the heated verbal exchange erupted into an all-out brawl in front of a stunned panel of local journalists.

With the increasingly ugly tone of the campaign, local political veterans were surprised only that it took this long to come to physical violence.

Live It Up on 32 Cents a Day (or Less)

So the economy is in the toilet, your 401(k) is worthless, you lost all three of your jobs, your bank went under, and the Second Great Depression is underway. You’re a fighter, and you are going to keep on living it up. You won’t let little things like not having any money stop you from enjoying life.

Here are some helpful tips to will help you maintain a fun standard of living during these difficult times.

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Bothell Man Experiences Uncharacteristically Safe, Friendly Commute

Throughout the entirety of his 18 mile commute this morning, something just seemed “different” to Bothell commuter Rick Vance, though he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

Upon arriving at his workplace in downtown Seattle, it dawned on him: “I didn’t encounter a single rude, oblivious, or otherwise incompetent driver on the road this morning,” he recalled.

Accustomed to frequent altercations…

The Economic Meltdown Has Gone Too Far

When the stock market fell thirty percent, it was rough, but I knew I could handle it since I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me. When Washington Mutual went under and had its bones picked clean by a hoity toity New York bank, I knew I would miss their low fees and laid-back attitude, but life goes on.

But when I learned last week that Mother’s Cookies has gone under, that’s when I knew that the economic meltdown had gone too far.

Sterilizations Skyrocket as Economy Crumbles

With the future looking bleaker by the day in the face of unprecedented economic meltdown, tens of thousands of people across the country are turning to sterilization to help them cope with the disaster.

Clinics in virtually every city in America have been flooded with requests for sterilization from middle-age professionals, teens barely out of puberty, and everyone in between. Without exception, those receiving the procedures have cited the country’s dismal, expensive future as explanation.

Deprivation and Despair Overwhelm Seattle

The growing worldwide economic crisis has finally hit home, as residents across the Puget Sound are taking unprecedented measures to make it through these tough times. The Naked Loon performed a series of man on the street interviews with regular folks about how they are coping with financial despair.

What follows are unedited excerpts of these heart-wrenching personal tales.

Former WaMu Customers Peeved at New JPMorgan Ads

Call centers at New York-based JPMorgan Chase & Co. were flooded with angry calls this week following the company’s launch of their first advertising campaign in the newly-acquired Seattle market.

Former WaMu customers were livid at the slogan used in the ads: “We’re Like You, But Much Richerâ„¢.” The television spots feature dozens of caricatures of Northwesterners such as “Logger,” “Grunge Band Guitarist,” and “Radio Psychologist.”