Seattle Aquarium: Not Just for Marine Biologists

When you think of the Seattle Aquarium, do you think of a bunch of white-jacketed scientists sitting around a pond, obsessing over algae counts or water quality? Well, that’s because you’re not very smart, because the aquarium isn’t anything like that at all.

As it turns out, staring slack-jawed at a bunch of fish for hour after hour is not nearly as boring as you might imagine. And that’s just the beginning of the exciting possibilities available to you when you visit the very best aquarium in the entire world, right here in Seattle.

In order to truly take in the majesty of the Seattle Aquarium, you need to set aside a whole day. To make sure you beat the crowds, arrive at least three hours before opening. It’s important to budget your time wisely, otherwise you could easily spend twelve hours poking the anemones in the touching pond. You want to make time to experience all of the aquarium’s exciting exhibits, like walking through the five-thousand-foot-tall thunder dome, playing a game of “guess which motionless seal is dead,” and enjoying the carefree otters, romping around like they don’t have a care in the world, their little souls not crushed by the unending grind of the empty emotionless existence that your own life has become.

Did you know that at the Seattle Aquarium, you can kill and skin a great white shark with your bare hands? Actually, that’s not true, but you have to admit it would be pretty awesome if it were. In reality, the uptight staff at the aquarium won’t allow visitors to kill any of the marine life, but when they aren’t looking you can usually get away with casting an icy death stare in the general direction of the seahorse tank.

Little children from around the world come to Seattle, just to experience the aquarium. “This aquarium is so amazing,” said Mahir Omakresh, a twelve-year-old from Bangladesh. “My favorite part is how they don’t give you beatings for looking at the fishes for more than a few seconds.”

But going to the aquarium isn’t just about seeing fish. It’s also a great place to gain a proper sense of guilt and shame for all the ways you are personally responsible for destroying the fragile Puget Sound ecosystem with dozens of your routine daily activities. For example, at the Seattle Aquarium you will learn that every time you brush your teeth, the toothpaste you spit into the sink drains directly into the Puget Sound, killing hundreds of fish and millions of innocent bacteria.

Don’t delay, plan your trip to the Seattle Aquarium today. Seriously, call your boss and give him some lame excuse about peak oil or something, and get down to the aquarium. NOW.