Archive for 2008
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FDIC Folds—Federal Finances Foolishly Floundered
The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) announced today that effective immediately they will cease all banking operations nationwide.
“The simple truth of the matter is that we just couldn’t deal with this many banks failing all at once,” said FDIC Chairman Sheila Bair. The government agency provided so-called deposit “insurance” for bank deposits up to $100,000.
Created in 1933 during the Great Depression, the FDIC was intended to be a government-issued security blanket that would restore confidence in the banking system among the American people. Unfortunately, the agency was never granted enough power or funding to handle more than one or two minor bank failures per year.
“We never really expected this degree of crisis,” explained Bair. “I mean, who could have possibly predicted…
Bennett to Sell Team Formerly Known as the Sonics
OKLAHOMA CITY – Oklahoma City SuperSonics owner Clay Bennett announced today that he will sell the NBA team he wrested from Seattle and moved to Oklahoma City just three weeks ago. Bennett said he and his fellow billionaire owners realized after their settlement victory in Seattle that there is one thing they enjoy more than owning a basketball team.
“More than We love screwing people over,” a beaming Bennett said. “When we looked down from the 14th floor of the federal courthouse and saw 3,000 Sonics fans holding a rally – helium balloons, dorky signs – to save their team, how could you top that?
“We said, ‘Just think, we could do this to a whole damn state!’ It’s like pissing off your little brother and holding him back from punching you by jamming your hand on his forehead – times 6.5 million,” he said.
Bite of Seattle “Pretty Okay This Year”
Previous Stories
- Dino Rossi Adamantly Denies Ties to Local Charity
- Would You Rather…? Seattle Edition!
- Totally Accurate and Important Starbucks Closure Analysis
- Supreme Court Clears Michelle Obama on Marijuana-Scented Spikes in Greenlake
- Microsoft Unveils Barista Barista Revolution
- Boeing Preemptively Declares War with Machinists
- Important Household Safety Advice
- Lighthouses: They Rock
- Political Pundit Accidentially Respects Fellow Man
- Ahmadinejad Discovers, Embraces Jewish Ancestry
- Pet Owner Hierarchy
- Nickels Multiplies Bag Fees in Litter-Induced Rage
- Long-Spurned WhirlyBall Team Thrilled by NBA Departure
- Discovery Institute Takes on Gravity Myth
- Schultz & Stern Battle for “Most Hated” Title
- Communism Threat Finally Neutralized, Seattle Updates Civil Defense Plans
- Startup Dandelion Gardeners Pursue Bold Dream
- Court Rules Landowners Must Destroy Environment
- Al-Qaeda to Close Seattle Cell, Cites High Insurance Costs
- Seattle Sell-Off!
- Trust Me on this One: Dolphins are Stupid
- Tips for a Fun and Death-Free Independence Day Weekend
- Solution to Viaduct More Committees, Committee Says
- Oranges: Are They Really Good For You?
- Trademark “Bennett Scowl” Unfazed by Sonics Ruling
- Climatologists: Melting Arctic Ice an Excellent Source of Bottled Water
- The News: Who Cares?
- Empty Kenmore Denny’s Still Standing, Nobody Cares
- Truly Engrossing Statistics Regarding Raw Cow Milk
- Absolutely Nothing Happens for 10,000th-Straight Day in Tiny North Dakota Town
- Point-Counterpoint | Bill Gates & Paul Allen: Wealth
- Navigating Transit in Seattle is as Easy as 1, 37, 12!
- State Political Parties Declare Moral Bankruptcy
- Intersection of 6th and Pike Immune to Recession
- Space Needle Totally Around Here Somewhere
- Ballard Denny’s Decision Sparks Trend
- Paul Allen Announces “Experience Paul Allen Project”
- Graduates Ride Emotional High from Successfully Meeting Minimum Standards
- How Are We Enjoying Summer Weather?
- New Gregoire Campaign Signs Bite Back
- Billy (or: Quit Yer Complainin’)
- Honda Unveils Breakthrough Octabrid
- Mariners Fire Mascot Moose
- Bennett: “syl seattle lol”
- South Korean Transit Strike Disrupts Gamer Junk Food Supply
- Let’s Hear it for Your Seattle Trailblazers!
- 7 Ways to Save $7,777 by Christmas in July
- Rejected Seattle Nicknames
- The Naked Loon Reviews: Random Orientation Videos
- Totally Normal Wet, Gray Weather Surprises Forgetful Seattle Residents
- Naked Loon Classifieds for the Week of Whatever Week This is
- Survey: 100% of Seattle Drivers Dislike Traffic
- Burner Campaign Runs on Blind Optimism and Rainbows
- Neighbors that Want Their Cats to Stay in One Piece Need to Keep Them Out of My Dang Yard
- iPhone 2.0 Cures Cancer Before Even Being Released
- Millions of Nerds Wet Pants in Excitement Over New iPhone
- How do We Occupy Ourselves when the Network is Down?
- How To: Get Internet in Your Own Home
- US Government to Distribute Stimulus Morphine Injections
- New Reality Show to Pre-Place Blame for Area Disasters
- Summer Cancelled
- Officials Shocked to Discover Sex Acts for Sale at Strip Club
- Naked Loon Used Car SalesSpeak Translation Guide
- Mayor Nickels to Dig Tunnel Himself if Necessary
- Poll: Political Campaigns Not Nasty Enough Yet
- How are We Dealing with High Gas Prices?
- Moderately Insane Road Trip Ideas
- Rampaging Children to Blame for Massive Bee Disappearance
- Anti-Depressant Manufacturers Thrilled by Oncoming Recession
- Wii Fit Allows False Sense of Fitness Without Costly Monthly Gym Fees
- Naked Loon Travel: Boston
- Overheard Outside Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
- Seattle Swelters in Blistering 60-Degree Heat Wave
- Fallen Soldiers Honored with Incredible Memorial Day Sales
- How are We Affording Homes Around the Sound?
- The Future: Let’s get on with it already
- Boeing Dreamliner Actually an Elaborate Hoax
- A Collection of Poetry
- Missing Issaquah Cat Probably Eaten by Coyotes
- Marysville City Council Erupts in Brawl Over Tractor Ordinance
- The Naked Loon Reviews: Juno
- Puget Sound Dyed Green to Celebrate Environmental Achievements
- News Outlets Lazily Run Yet Another Eruption Anniversary Story
- What’s Your Most Cherished St. Helens Eruption Memento?
- Radio-Controlled Clocks Spy on Boring Happenings of Local Homes
- Got a Score to Settle? Think PEE.
- I Can Eat This Entire Burger in One Bite
- Study Confirms Harmful Health Effects of Eye Contact with Strangers
- Giving Panhandling Bums What For
- China Declares War on Tectonic Plates
- Millions of Pirated DVDs Destroyed in China Quake
- McCain Courts Hispanic Voters (Literally)
- Favorite TV Show Ever?
- No Expiration Date on Good Will Toward Area Hungry
- Seattle Aquarium: Not Just for Marine Biologists
- Mayor Politely Tolerates Endless Barrage of Teen Angst
- Fremont troll finally crushes VW Bug
- Friendless, Video-Game Addicted Loser Sues Microsoft
- It is Not Easy Being White
- DOT Employee on Viaduct Options: “Don’t quote me on any of this.”
- Pioneer Square Reimagined as Pioneer Village Theme Park
- Options our great-great-great-great-grandchildren will consider for replacing the Viaduct
- Study Confirms Seattleites’ Self-Importance
- WaMu Walks Away From Mortgage on Downtown Headquarters
- Avoiding the Construction Crazies
- Bingo Hall Closure Devastates Everett Night Life
- Amazon: Kindle is the greatest! Seriously, buy one RIGHT NOW! Kindle Kindle Kindle!
- Australia Welcomes Complete Lawlessness
- Spokane: Does it Really Exist?
- Obama Unfazed by Clinton’s Continued Delusions of Victory
- What are you having for lunch today?
- I am truly a despicable wretch.
- M’s Management Regret Passing on Bedard Warranty
- Yuppies & Hipsters Battle for Control of Kirkland
- Seize the Spring, Before it’s TOO LATE
- Starbucks Tries to Out-McDonald’s McDonald’s
- Bigoted Bumper Sticker Sighted, Punished
- Puget Sound Group Denounces 100 MPG X PRIZE
- Construction Crane Named Official Bellevue Mascot
- How Do Sonics Players Feel About Leaving Seattle?
- Jumbo-Sized Frosted Mini Wheats Blow Tukwila Man’s Mind
- Snowy Apocalypse Descends Upon Puget Sound
- Bossy Hummingbirds Take Over Small Kentucky Town
- Last Remaining Ballard Swede Finally Captured
- I want to be a elephant trainer when I grow up
- Hundreds of Thousands Return to Self-Centered Lives
- Yankees Fan Assaulted “Just for the hell of it”
- Helpful Tips for Tax Time
- Desperate for Veteran Bullpen Leadership, Mariners Sign 97-year-old Pitcher
- Headline Writer Um, Er, Uh, Draws Blank
- Tim Eyman: Introducing I-999 The Ultimate Anti- Government Initiative
- What Are We Afraid Of?
- American Airlines Cancels All Flights, Forever
- Unwitting Viewers Tricked into Watching Entire Boring Newscast
- Clouds Briefly Part to Reveal Mysterious Yellow Orb
- Gorge Amphitheatre to be Moved to Seattle
- Washington Poison Center Introduces Mr. Yum
- Ghost of Kingdome Haunts Pioneer Square
- Keep Your Neighborhood in Super-Great Tip-Top Awesome Condition
- Republicans with No Hope Make Pointless Run for Office
- Popular Puget Sound Career Paths
- Student Exchange Program Benefits Bellevue Snobs and Auburn Peasants
- China Harbor Probably Not Just a Restaurant
- UW Research Concludes Screaming At Children Probably Not Beneficial
- State Government Declares War on Toys
- DOT Announces New Ultra-Green Ferry Routes
- Tashkent, UZ Renounces Seattle Sister City Status
- Sonics Owners Announce Surprise Deal to Relocate Team to Tacoma
- Violence at UW Linked to Professors
- How are YOU fighting Global Warming?
- City Council Votes to Make Seattle “Greenest City Ever”
- Boeing to Build Air Force Tanker Anyway
- Local Entrepreneur Pursues Futile Dreams
- Google: Street View Not Coming to Seattle, So There
- Dave Matthews Quits Pot to Fight Global Warming
- Scientists Counter Invading Species in Puget Sound
- Northgate Mall Fleeces Shoppers with Half-Finished Renovation
- Point-Counterpoint: The War in Iraq
- Congress Passes Some Bill
- Woman Shocked to Learn Fremont Statue not John Lennon
- Kent City Council Insists Kent Not That Bad
- Fun Over for King County Fair
- Screw Transportation Compromise, Seattle Should Ban Cars Outright
- Starbucks Renames Seattle’s Best Brand to “Seattle’s 2nd Best Coffee”
- Fremont Secedes from Seattle
- Viaduct Decision Could Come Today… Or Not
