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Living 2008-05-14

Giving Panhandling Bums What For

As sunny weather begins to return to the Northwest, so do the problems associated with warmer temperatures, including one of our area’s most troublesome nuisances: panhandlers.

The street beggars have begun their yearly migration back to the green utopia of the greater Seattle area, and by mid-June you’ll hardly be able to drive three blocks without being accosted by dozens of their carefully crafted cardboard pleas. It used to be that they stuck to downtown street corners, but surveys in recent years have found panhandlers in over 87% of Puget Sound neighborhoods.

You’re a compassionate person, but you can’t give them money every time you drive by…

Politics 2008-05-12

McCain Courts Hispanic Voters (Literally)

Senator John McCain said Monday that the Republican stance on immigration is chasing Hispanic voters away from the party, a problem that he has a plan to personally solve.

“I believe the majority of Hispanics find me to be an attractive guy, and I hope to have the opportunity to take them out and explain my policies to them over a nice bottle of wine,” the Senator said.

Arts & Entertainment 2008-05-09

Seattle Aquarium: Not Just for Marine Biologists

When you think of the Seattle Aquarium, do you think of a bunch of white-jacketed scientists sitting around a pond, obsessing over algae counts or water quality? Well, that’s because you’re not very smart, because the aquarium isn’t anything like that at all.

As it turns out, staring slack-jawed at a bunch of fish for hour after hour is not nearly as boring as you might imagine. And that’s just the beginning of the exciting possibilities available to you when you visit the very best aquarium in the entire world, right here in Seattle.

Sci/Tech 2008-05-07

Friendless, Video-Game Addicted Loser Sues Microsoft

In the latest shot across the bow of the beleaguered local software giant, friendless loser Ted Elias is suing Microsoft for $25 million.

A statement released by Elias’ lawyer on Friday accuses Microsoft of “totally destroying his mental, social, and physical health by providing my client with unlimited access to the addictive Xbox 360 video game console as well as an unending stream of engrossing hit games.”

“Before he was introduced to the virtual mind-control of the Xbox 360, my client was a successful, well-developed 27-year-old,” said attorney Martin Finklestein, representing Elias in the case. “However, after just two years under the influence of Redmond’s electro-brainwashing, he has lost his job, his friends, and even his basic sense of hygiene.”

Local 2008-05-05

Pioneer Square Reimagined as Pioneer Village Theme Park

In an effort to cash in on Seattle’s lost ‘final frontier’ image, the city council voted today to turn the historic Pioneer Square neighborhood into a wild west themed park and mall.

Because Pioneer Square already boasts a large amount of local historical significance it was a natural choice for a new theme park experience focusing on Seattle’s romantic frontier past.

“Today I’m proud to announce the upcoming opening of Pioneer Village,” said Mayor Greg Nickels. “A fun—and more importantly, educational—experience that Seattle is proud to call its own.”

Business 2008-05-02

WaMu Walks Away From Mortgage on Downtown Headquarters

Struggling savings and loan giant Washington Mutual announced Wednesday that they will no longer be making payments on their mortgage for WaMu Center, the company’s 42-story downtown Seattle headquarters.

The decision by WaMu follows in the footsteps of an increasing number of distressed homeowners that have walked away from their mortgages as the real estate market continues to experience record declines across the country.

Sci/Tech 2008-04-30

Amazon: Kindle is the greatest! Seriously, buy one RIGHT NOW! Kindle Kindle Kindle!

In an announcement on Amazon.com’s front page this week, CEO Jeff Bezos declared Kindle—their handheld electronic reading device—to be an overwhelming success, unmatched since the dawn of time by any achievement in the universe.

“Dear Customers,” begins the message from Bezos. “We continue to be astonished at your insatiable hunger for Kindle: our earth-shattering nirvana delivery system.”

“To date, we have sold more than three hundred Kindles for every man, woman, and child on planet Earth,” the note continued, “That’s over two trillion Kindles in just six months.”

Politics 2008-04-28

Obama Unfazed by Clinton’s Continued Delusions of Victory

In an insipid turn of events this weekend of interest only to die-hard political junkies, hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Hilary Clinton issued an empty challenge to the soon-to-be-nominee Barak Obama: that they face off in a moderator-free debate.

In the bizarre attempt to stave off her inevitable electoral elimination, Clinton invoked the memory Abraham Lincoln; the most famous Republican president of all time.

Arts & Entertainment 2008-04-25

M’s Management Regret Passing on Bedard Warranty

As Érik Bédard comes close to making his way off of the disabled list, Mariners management staff admits that they are now kicking themselves for having bought the extended warranty on the star pitcher.

“I mean come on, it was only $29.95 at the register,” said team president Howard Lincoln.

General Manager Bill Bavasi took full responsibility for the oversight, saying Thursday that he “always thought those things were a scam.”

Business 2008-04-23

Starbucks Tries to Out-McDonald’s McDonald’s

Seattle-based Starbucks Coffee—the McDonald’s of drug-laced drink outlets—faces an growing challenge to their core business model as Chicago-based McDonald’s—the McDonald’s of cheap and disgusting hamburgers—pushes into the world of over-priced status-symbol beverages with an increasingly intense campaign.

Starbucks has faced difficulty in recent years, as their increasingly ridiculous gimmicks have failed to draw in and retain a customer base capable of supporting their breakneck rate of expansion, peaking in 2007 when they opened an average of five new stores every second.

Sci/Tech 2008-04-21

Puget Sound Group Denounces 100 MPG X PRIZE

The so-called “Progressive” Automotive X PRIZE is anything but progressive, said a newly-formed coalition of Puget Sound business and government leaders named Driving Undermines Humanity (DUH) in a press conference on Friday.

The Progressive Automotive X PRIZE is the latest in a series of privately-run technology competitions run by the X PRIZE Foundation. The foundation is best known for the showy but pointless flights of SpaceShipOne…

US/World 2008-04-18

Bossy Hummingbirds Take Over Small Kentucky Town

In an unprecedented turn of events, a small town in rural Kentucky has been completely taken over by hummingbirds.

Seemingly no different from ordinary hummingbirds, the diminutive birds have descended on the town of Blandville by the tens of thousands, completely subjugating the population of approximately 100 citizens.

“They done came down out of that there sky, and completely surrounded our house,” said Blandville resident Slyvia Snodgrass.

Local 2008-04-16

Hundreds of Thousands Return to Self-Centered Lives

Over 175,000 people returned to their usual self-centered lives today after attending various events during the Dalai Lama’s five-day “Seeds of Compassion” Seattle tour.

Throughout his visit to Seattle, the Dalai Lama spoke extensively of kindness and compassion, to approving applause from crowds numbering in the tens of thousands. Following these inspirational events, residents of the Seattle area promptly went back to their day-to-day lives, living in exactly the same way as before.

Arts & Entertainment 2008-04-14

Desperate for Veteran Bullpen Leadership, Mariners Sign 97-year-old Pitcher

In a desperate effort to gain experienced leadership among their pitching staff, the Mariners have brought on Pappy McFreeson, a 97-year-old relief pitcher.

The Mariners have had difficulty as of late retaining experienced talent in the bullpen, and the move is seen as a clear indication of their commitment to turn that trend around.

Having pitched in the major leagues for sixty-eight years, McFreeson alone has ten times more experience than the rest of the M’s bullpen combined.

Local 2008-04-11

Unwitting Viewers Tricked into Watching Entire Boring Newscast

Using the lure of a “twisted take on local headlines,” KOMO 4 eleven o’clock news team Dan Lewis and Mary Nam succeeded last night in tricking unwitting viewers into sitting through an entire newscast filled with tedious stories and depressing tales of woe.

A new Seattle-area parody news website was used as bait in ads promoting the newscast during the seven, eight, nine and ten o’clock hours, and the story was dangled in front of viewers like a caramel-covered strawberry marshmallow…