The Economic Meltdown Has Gone Too Far

When the stock market fell ten twenty thirty percent, it was rough, but I knew I could handle it since I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me. When Washington Mutual went under and had its bones picked clean by a hoity toity New York bank, I knew I would miss their low fees and laid-back attitude, but life goes on.

I have even sucked it up as the value of my charming Ballard craftsman has fallen 20% from what I paid in a 2006 bidding war with 8 California transplants. But when I learned last week that Mother’s Cookies has gone under, that’s when I knew that the economic meltdown had gone too far.

I would have taken some time to write about this devastating loss last week, but it was too difficult to read the text on the computer monitor through all the tears—my bitter, bitter tears.

Also, most of my waking hours last week were spent visiting every grocery store in the greater Seattle metropolitan area, buying their entire stock of Circus Animal cookies. $23,072.50 later, the last remaining 9,229 bags of Mother’s Circus Animals in Seattle are mine—all mine.

When my brother down in San Francisco heard about Mother’s demise, he tried to find some Circus Animals down there, only to find that desperate Bay Area cookie-lovers had already picked all the local grocers clean. He was so distraught that he started binging on those Danish butter cookies that come in the metal tin. He said he wouldn’t stop eating them until someone sent him some Mother’s Circus Animals, even if that meant choking to death on the dry sugared biscuits.

He was my brother, but I have another one, and I’ll never be able to buy these cookies ever again.

In order to properly preserve my stash I had to buy thirteen large freezers, which cost me another ten thousand dollars. Thankfully Costco gave me a nice bulk discount. And although my wife has complained that having freezers lining our bedroom walls is tacky, I find the soft humming of the condensers to be a soothing background as I drift to sleep at night.

I’m seriously getting scared here guys. I don’t think I can take another emotional hit like this. If Jones Soda, Frank’s Red Hot, or Tim’s Cascade Style Potato Chips were to disappear, I might totally lose it.

I suppose in the end, we can only hope and pray that things turn around before the crumbling economy takes out more of our most basic dietary staples. Just in case that doesn’t work, I think I’ll pick up a few more freezers and stock up a bit anyway.