Question the Kostyra: Handling an Overbearing Mother?

Today The Naked Loon is proud to introduce our very own advice column “Question the Kostyra,” in which Naked Loon Living Editor Martha Kostyra will answer your questions about life, relationships, and which espresso stand is most deserving of your valuable patronage.

If you have a question for Martha, just fill out our handy contact form to drop her a line.

Dear Ms. Kostyra,

I am 35 years old, and haven’t lived at home for over 15 years, but my mother still tries to take care of me as if I am still a child. Whenever she comes over, she tries to do my laundry, check my finances, and arrange play dates with my friends. It’s suffocating! How can I ask my mother to give me some freedom, but at the same time keep from hurting her feelings?

– Suffocating Steve in Shoreline

The Kostyra dispenses her wisdom:

Hi Suffocating Steve,

I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you are one big, fat momma’s boy. Yikes. There is pretty much no hope for you. At all. But, since I’m a sporting type, I’ll offer you a few suggestions to choose from that will solve your problem, if you can find the guts to go through with them.

1. Profess your undying love for her, and plant a big wet one right on her lips. In my experience, this solves just about any interpersonal problem.
2. Change your locks, and pretend not to be home when she comes over.
3. Make a bunch of whiney posts about it in your blog or on Twitter.

Well, that third one won’t actually solve your problem, but I hear it makes some people feel better about their massive character flaws. In reality, I realize that you won’t be capable of bringing yourself to do any of those, so how about I offer a more realistic suggestion? Just let her take control of your life. It’s way easier than putting up a fight. Just get used to it, momma’s boy.

Suck on that one for a while,
Martha

Dear Ms. Kostyra,

One of my coworkers is really getting on my nerves. I like to enjoy a nice quiet lunch hour, just me, my sandwich, and the latest trendy romance novel. Every day at noon I head out to the front lawn to sit down to lunch under my favorite tree, and this guy comes out right behind me. Then, for the entire hour while I am trying to eat, he keeps trying to talk to me. I have even been willing to forsake my favorite tree, and have tried eating lunch somewhere else to avoid him, but to no avail. What can I do to get this persistent pest to leave me in peace?

– Bothered Betty in Bellevue

The answer, meted out judiciously by the Kostyra:

Hey there Bothered Betty,

You didn’t indicate it in your letter, so I will have to assume that you are aware of the obvious fact that this coworker is completely infatuated with you. Given that, I see that you have two choices. The first and most obvious choice is to simply profess your undying love for him, and tell him to “kiss me now, you fool.” Unless he is a very recent transplant to the Seattle area, he will be so terrified by your direct come-on that he will immediately run away, avoiding even so much eye contact for at least the next couple months. He might even wet his pants.

Your second choice is to start spending your entire lunch time talking to him about your passionate dedication to the martial arts. After a few days of this, ask him if he would help you practice some of your moves. When he agrees, stand up facing him, and just kick him square between the legs. Act like it was an accident, and ask if you can try again. If he agrees, kick him between the legs again. Lather, rinse, repeat. After three or four dozen kicks to the crotch, he’ll probably get the point.

Glad to be of service,
Martha