Long-Spurned WhirlyBall Team Thrilled by NBA Departure

For many Seattle-area residents, the only thing more depressing than the thought of Californian immigration to Washington is organized sports.

The Mariners are floundering at the bottom of the MLB heap, and have never even been to the World Series. The Seahawks lost their one shot at the Super Bowl to a bunch of guys in striped shirts. Rumor has it that the Sonics won the NBA Championship once, but now that the NBA has skipped town, Seattle’s only remaining sports team to have won a national title is the Seattle Storm, our WNBA team. Unfortunately, there are only approximately three people in all of Seattle that care about the WNBA, and this includes the team, their families, and their friends.

In spite of all this, there is still hope for sports fans in the Puget Sound. We need not stoop so low as to feign interest in women’s basketball in order to enjoy the glory of having a winning team. No, we must simply turn our attention to Seattle’s most overlooked and—more importantly—our winningest sport: WhirlyBall.

Seattle’s WhirlyBall team consistently dominates the competition. They have won the national competition every year for the last five years, and have failed to take the top spot only once since 1992.

WhirlyBall is best described as the glorious sport of the cyborg future—the perfect competition for our hi-tech utopia. Players hold a ball scoop with one hand, while operating an electric car with the other. Matches are held in a fully-enclosed arena with electrified floors as two teams of five compete in a glorious display of mechanized mayhem.

With all that it has going for it, why hasn’t WhirlyBall garnered more attention in Seattle? Seth Clayton, part of Seattle’s reigning National Championship WhirlyBall team pins the blame squarely on the NBA.

“So-called professional basketball acts like it is the only five-on-five game around,” said Clayton. “Now that they’re out of the picture, we’re confident that WhirlyBall will finally succeed in capturing the attention of Seattle sports fans.”

In order to take full advantage of the sports void left by the Sonics’ departure, Seattle WhirlyBall officials are investigating the possibility of obtaining the Sonics name and colors for their own use.

“We used to be the Emerald City Storm,” explained manager John Funk, “but when the WNBA associated that name with their 30-second shot clock layup-fest, they basically shamed us out of using it.”

Seattle WhirlyBall players hope to generate excitement for the sport leading up to the 2009 national competition, which will be held right here in the Seattle area, at the state-of-the-art Edmonds WhirlyBall facility.

So while the Mariners shoot for an inverse of their 2001 season record, and the Seahawks dash our hopes yet again, keep your eyes on Seattle WhirlyBall for some hi-tech sports action where Seattle’s team actually wins.

Because we all know that winning isn’t the most important thing in life, but it does place third, just after eating and sleeping.

On the web: WhirlyBall Edmonds/Seattle