Articles by Marty E.

Would someone care to explain to me how anyone ever thought that greeting cards were a good idea? To me they come across as a complete waste of space, time, and money. Sending someone a greeting card is like saying:

You are special and important to me, but not so important that I’m willing to tell you so in person, or even call you on the phone. In fact, I’m willing to spend money to avoid having to interact with you directly.

When was the last time you thought about birds? I mean really pondered them. Like turn off the TV and the music, shut yourself in a dark closet, and meditate on birds.

Since your answer probably rhymed with “sever” (shame on you), I’m going to take a moment to share some of my recent deep, contemplative thoughts about birds.

How many birds would you say you have seen in the past month?

This morning as I was rigorously cleaning my ear canals with Q-tips, I made a rather alarming discovery on the box:

Warning: Do not use swab in ear canal.

Thankfully, I had just finished my fourth morning ear canal cleaning, so I was already prepped for the day before this distressing revelation. This left me with roughly twenty-three and a half hours to decide what to do now that I knew the shameful truth.