Analysis

In an attempt to stop hemorrhaging money, Starbucks—whose stock price has tumbled over sixty percent since October ‘06—recently announced the impending closure of over six hundred stores, including twelve in the Puget Sound region. Here’s a look at what went wrong for the largest dealer of legalized drugs in America, and how you can cope with the crippling withdrawal.

What do they do?

Starbucks business model is ostensibly based on selling coffee, the mind-altering drug of choice for busy self-important professionals. In recent years, they have deluded themselves into thinking that people visit their stores for the “atmosphere” rather than the drugs. This has led to a series of inexplicably poor business decisions such as CD kiosks, placing as many as seven stores on a single block, and attempting to sell $12 pastries.

2 Comments | Read full story »

James Elmore spent the night in the bed of his El Camino. A mass of ladybugs had crept up his leg the night before as he finished the endless chores of his startup farm. He didn’t want to take the helpful bugs all the way to his house in Arlington.

Besides, all his chores—those endless, repetitive, and mind-numbingly boring chores—would be waiting for him the next day. The dandelion is a harsh mistress.

Farming dandelions requires daily sacrifices from Elmore, his wife Eleanor, and his nine children, who hope to someday turn their 153-acre plot of dandelions in Trafton into a thriving ranch that supports the family of eleven.

“It’s this crazy dream we have,” says Elmore, 36.

2 Comments | Read full story »

A group of Seattle business leaders and local economists released a statement today declaring that the intersection of 6th Avenue and Pike Street is definitely, positively, absolutely immune to a recession.

“It has become apparent that Washington State, Greater Puget Sound, the city of Seattle, and even downtown Seattle are not immune to a recession,” the statement said, “however, we are confident that the encroaching recession will not affect the intersection of 6th and Pike.”

Anchored by the economic powerhouses of Niketown and American Eagle Outfitters, economists are certain that 6th and Pike will easily avoid the increasing unemployment, stagnant wages, and business failures that have plagued the nation in recent months.

3 Comments | Read full story »