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2008-10-24

Thank Goodness It’s Polar Fleece Season!

I think it’s safe to say that I’m not the only one that was relieved—no, overjoyed to look out my window in recent days and see gray skies and drizzle.

When the thermometer drops into the fifties, I can barely contain my enthusiasm as I head to the closet to pull out that hallmark of any self-respecting northwesterner’s wardrobe: the polar fleece.

The best part about polar fleece…

2008-04-26

I am truly a despicable wretch.

In the wake of mounting public outrage following the imminent departure of the Seattle Sonics, I feel that there is something I need to say. I’d like to address an unlikely figure that has joined the rising chorus of my critics: me, Howard Schultz.

As I sit here enjoying a cup of coffee at Tully’s in Madison Park, I mull over the various things I’ve done that I myself would describe as ‘disgusting’, ‘despicable’ and ‘loathsome.’ “I really am one of the biggest jerks out there,” I mutter wistfully to myself.

2008-12-18

WILL IT NEVER END?!?

As brutally low temperatures and relentless treacherous snowfall beat down on the Puget Sound for the sixth consecutive day Thursday, weather soothsayers prophesied a sustained assault on the Northwest with icy blasts and perilous precipitation continuing into next week.

According to local officials the Dismal December Discharge of Aught-Eight has already resulted in three trillion dollars in lost productivity in the city of Seattle alone.

2008-07-28

$3.80 Gas Promotion Lines Up Cars for Miles

Lines of cars stretched for over ten miles in every direction from Newcastle on Monday morning, as a gas station running a $3.80 per gallon promotion was overwhelmed by thousands of rabid motorists.

Beginning at 7:00 in the morning, Hayden’s Chevron at the corner of Coal Creek Parkway and Newcastle Way offered gas at only $3.80 per gallon, over fifty cents less than the usual current price.

People began queuing up at the station about 3:00 Sunday afternoon, station manager Harrison Phoenix said. By the time the station opened this morning, virtually every road into Newcastle was packed with cars…

2008-04-18

Bossy Hummingbirds Take Over Small Kentucky Town

In an unprecedented turn of events, a small town in rural Kentucky has been completely taken over by hummingbirds.

Seemingly no different from ordinary hummingbirds, the diminutive birds have descended on the town of Blandville by the tens of thousands, completely subjugating the population of approximately 100 citizens.

“They done came down out of that there sky, and completely surrounded our house,” said Blandville resident Slyvia Snodgrass.

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