What This Family Needs is a $700K Emergency Loan

I think it’s time this we sat down for a little talk about family finances. Billy, Judy, Cindy… come on into the living room with your mother and I. We need to have a serious discussion about the present crisis this family is facing, and work together to find a way out of this mess.

Sure, we could sit around all day and argue the petty details, like whether or not it was a good idea to spend $600,000 on a 4-bedroom rambler in Renton on our family income of $35,000, or whether we should have given you children credit cards to buy lottery tickets.

But right now is not the time to point fingers and argue about who is to blame for the mess this family finds itself in. No, now is the time to take bold action.

That’s why today, as the head of this household, I’m proposing that we take out an emergency loan for $700 thousand to stabilize the family’s economy.

With the $700 thousand emergency economic stabilization loan of 2008, your mother and I will be able to buy your expired lottery tickets at full face value. It will also allow us to continue making the $5,000 a month interest-only payments on our home for at least another year.

This loan is a critical step toward stabilizing our family budget and ensuring an uninterrupted flow of credit to every member of the family.

If we don’t take out this loan, we will lose everything we have bought on credit in the last few years. The plasma TVs in every room, the three SUVs, the closets full of cheap plastic crap made in China, and even our very home.

That’s why I am asking everyone in the family to stand behind me to support this $700 thousand emergency loan. These are tough times, but if we all cross our fingers, close our eyes, and wish really hard, I’m confident we can borrow and spend our way out of this mess.

About the Author

Rupert McCarthy

Naked Loon Staff Columnist

8 Comments on "What This Family Needs is a $700K Emergency Loan"

  1. I wish I had a way to force everyone to read this.

  2. agreed. although this is actually rather more depressing then funny.

  3. What’s really sick is that I thought it was straight up about a family at first!

  4. And sicker yet, there are people out there who REALLY think and function like this.

  5. Chuch menson | October 5, 2008 at 9:42 am |

    I have no pity for jerks. Allow people of this ilk to die in gutters.

  6. Scary!
    (But watch the grammar – … with your mother and ME)

  7. Rupert, you crack me up!

  8. Laurel Lapellegrina | October 10, 2008 at 11:19 pm |

    Loved every word of this one. Talk about hitting the nail on the head, absolutely dead on… Sad but true.

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