Editor’s note: Thanks to the uncanny prescience of our writing staff, The Naked Loon is able to bring you the big news about today’s Sonics ruling ten whole hours before anyone else!
Welcome to the future, Seattle.
As U.S. District Judge Marsha Pechman handed down her decision today in Seattle’s lawsuit against the Sonics, team owner Clay Bennett successfully maintained his trademark scowl without displaying even so much as a slight twitch at the corner of his lips.
When Judge Pechman’s ruling was revealed at 4:00 this afternoon, lawyers for the city and local spectators alike expressed emotions appropriate to the result, but Bennett’s facial expression steadfastly carried on his inexorable quest to radiate an utter contempt of all things Seattle.
Some have theorized that Bennett’s face is actually frozen in perma-grimace due to an unfortunate childhood incident in which the young Clayton failed to heed his mother’s sage advice. Others claim to have seen him break into a slight smirk once in 2007, but reports of this could not be confirmed.
Local priests have also been consulted, investigating the possibility that Bennett’s now-famous “man possessed” email was literally true, but according to these spiritual leaders the available evidence suggests that he was probably just talking about his burning desire to royally screw over the people of Seattle.
Most Sonics fans have come to accept that the simplest explanation is probably true. “I’ve met a couple other people from Oklahoma,” said local fan Jim Simmons, “they pretty much all look like that. Apparently it just isn’t a very happy place—too much dust, not enough Starbucks.”
The silver lining in the decision from Judge Pechman is that eventually Bennett will take his ball club and go home, finally setting Seattle free from the Bennett Scowl once and for all.
As the full implications of today’s ruling are fleshed out in the coming days, analysts predict that Bennett’s frown will remain unchanged.
When approached for comment on the ruling, Bennett cast his stone-cold glare at the reporters, who immediately broke out in tears and ran home.