Articles by Björn Maximus


New Street Balloons Just the Marketing Gimmick These Overpriced Homes Need

After having houses languish unsold on the market for over a year, the marketer of Grove Cypress, a 15-home development in south Snohomish County, has discovered the key to finding buyers for the remaining $500,000 houses: street balloons.

“We’ve tried banners, flags, sandwich boards, arrow sign wavers… the works,” said Ron Freeman, Grove Cypress lead marketer. “I think the balloons will really do the trick.”


Hearst Chairman Eyes P-I HQ as Personal Residence

Friday’s news that the Hearst Corporation will cease all printing operations at the Seattle P-I if a buyer for the paper is not found within 60 days shocked journalism enthusiasts across the Puget Sound.

While some crazy rumors have circulated that the impending closure is due to the fact that the paper has been bleeding money for years, The Naked Loon has obtained an exclusive interview with a high-ranking Hearst executive who reveals the real reason for the sale.


Disney Launches Naughty Toddlers Scared Straight Service

In a press release Thursday, The Walt Disney Company announced the launch of a new “scared straight” service for naughty toddlers that will debut in seven markets across the country, including Seattle.

“Our proactive and highly efficient business model bypasses the usual parental notifications,” said the statement from Disney’s corporate office. “We locate misbehaving children, scare them straight, and then bill the parents afterward.”


Starbucks to Beg, Plead, and Drug Customers

Following a dismal fourth quarter report which saw profit tumble by 97 percent, Starbucks has announced a bold, multi-faceted plan to reposition itself in the harsh economy through a combination of in-your-face customer service, excessive begging/pleading, and illicit drug use.

Although delusional CEO Howard Schultz appears to truly believe that the company is in better shape to weather rough economic times following a year of violent layoffs…


Local Shoe Company Unveils Ultimate Gimmick Shoe

Tacoma-based shoe company Wear the Foot issued a press release Tuesday announcing the latest breakthrough in high-tech shoe wizardry: the Pump-Light-Rolly shoe.

“We’re proud to be the first and only shoe company in the world to offer the advanced breakthroughs of pump technology, light-up soles, and wheeled heels in a single shoe,” CEO Howard Spitzer was quoted as saying in the release.


Former WaMu Customers Peeved at New JPMorgan Ads

Call centers at New York-based JPMorgan Chase & Co. were flooded with angry calls this week following the company’s launch of their first advertising campaign in the newly-acquired Seattle market.

Former WaMu customers were livid at the slogan used in the ads: “We’re Like You, But Much Richer™.” The television spots feature dozens of caricatures of Northwesterners such as “Logger,” “Grunge Band Guitarist,” and “Radio Psychologist.”

No Picture

Company Revenue Probably About to Expand

In a stand-up meeting at Stanford Sprockets on Friday, company president Bill Brumsfield briefed the staff of 56 on the good news and the bad news of last month’s revenue figures.

“The bad news is that we didn’t meet our projected revenues and we have lost over five hundred thousand dollars this year,” said Brumsfield. “But—the good news is that we’re currently on track to lose less than we did in 2007, and we probably won’t have to file bankruptcy for at least another eighteen months!”


Boeing Machinists Demand Tully’s in Breakroom, Pleather Gloves for Shop Floor

As 27,000 Boeing machinists hit the picket lines for the fifth day, representatives of the International Association of Machinists (IAM) released a comprehensive list of union demands on Wednesday.

While the list contains the usual complaints about pay raises and pensions, many machinists say it’s the lesser known issues like better coffee in the breakroom and more comfortable hand protection that are the most important to them.


Coca-Cola to Test New Coke Nega in Seattle

Atlanta-based Coca-Cola Company announced Monday that it will begin testing of a new soft drink in five markets across the United States, including Seattle. Dubbed Coke Nega, the new offering is “110% calorie, caffeine, carb, and taste-free,” according the company.

“The soft drink-buying public’s reception of Coke Zero since its introduction in 2005 has been phenomenal,” said Coca-Cola spokesman Rob Morton. “But we told our beverage engineers that people hated it and were rioting on the streets calling for their heads, so they have been working non-stop since then to come up with the next great Coke.”


Paul Allen Announces “Because I Can” Streetcar Line

Building on the unbridled success and runaway popularity of the South Lake Union Trolley, a spokesman for Paul Allen’s Vulcan Inc. announced Wednesday that construction of a second streetcar line in the neighborhood will begin immediately.

The new “Because I Can” line will run approximately half a mile, circling the three blocks bounded by Republican Street to the north, Boren Avenue to the west, Pontius Avenue to the east, and Harrison Street to the south. The streetcar will have a single stop, located on Harrison.

“With the South Lake Union Line already running at nearly eight percent capacity, we cannot afford to waste time on this new line,” said Allen in a written statement released by Vulcan. “I have already purchased the property at 1165 Harrison and will begin demolition of the existing structure as soon as we acquire permits from the city.”


Local Business Leaders: Washington Regulations Not Complicated Enough

A coalition of Puget Sound business leaders issued a challenge to Washington State lawmakers Thursday, calling for greater complexity and obfuscation in business regulations.

Representatives for the Seattle Area Alliance for Increasing Complexity in Government Regulations (SAAICGR) announced their proposal in a press conference from Olympia Thursday morning.

“The business climate in Washington is pretty challenging right now thanks to the seemingly endless amount of red tape the state forces you to go through to perform even the simplest of tasks,” said Costco CEO James Sinegal, one of the groups founding members. “But we are confident that with just a little more effort, ‘seemingly endless’ can turn into ‘literally endless.'”


Twentysomethings’ Business Ideas Meeting Deemed a Success

Gainfully employed twentysomething Mark Jones reported Tuesday that last night’s business ideas meeting with five of his friends at McCormick & Schmick’s was “definitely a rousing success.”

The meeting was initiated by an email from Jones to six of his former college friends with the subject line “let’s all quit and get rich.” Although the six men aged twenty-six to twenty-nine are all gainfully employed, making $60-$90,000 a year, the suggestion was met with great enthusiasm.

“It’s like, who doesn’t want to stick it to the man, and strike it out on their own,” said Gabe Lamont, 27, currently employed as a software engineer for


Totally Accurate and Important Starbucks Closure Analysis


In an attempt to stop hemorrhaging money, Starbucks—whose stock price has tumbled over sixty percent since October ’06—recently announced the impending closure of over six hundred stores, including twelve in the Puget Sound region. Here’s a look at what went wrong for the largest dealer of legalized drugs in America, and how you can cope with the crippling withdrawal.

What do they do?

Starbucks business model is ostensibly based on selling coffee, the mind-altering drug of choice for busy self-important professionals. In recent years, they have deluded themselves into thinking that people visit their stores for the “atmosphere” rather than the drugs. This has led to a series of inexplicably poor business decisions such as CD kiosks, placing as many as seven stores on a single block, and attempting to sell $12 pastries.