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The Papyrus Virus 2009-04-07

Tap Plastics Bids Farewell to Papyrus

After just one week and as many posts, the looming specter of impending mockery on The Papyrus Virus is already an agent for typeface improvement in the Seattle area.

Behold, Tap Plastics on 9th Ave. N near Broad Street…

Lighthouses: They Rock

Have you ever stopped to think about what life would be like if there were no lighthouses in existence? No West Point Light Station at Discovery Park? No Admiralty Head Light? No Alki Point Light?

I didn’t think so, so here’s your chance to do so.

Done already? Well okay then. Your conclusion probably went along the lines of this: “I don’t want to think today. Also, you can’t tell me what to do.” Well if that’s the way it’s going to be, you leave me no choice but to straight up tell you what the world would be like if we didn’t have any lighthouses.

Imagine this. You are a captain of SS Blue Flamingo and are on a very important mission to deliver three tons of marijuana to the U.S. so that all the suffering cancer patients can toke up and forget they have cancer. Day turns to night, and you find yourself in the perilous waters of Dead Cows Corner…

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Ahmadinejad Discovers, Embraces Jewish Ancestry

In a press conference from Jerusalem on Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced the stunning findings of a team of Iran’s best genealogists: Ahmadinejad is a sixteenth Jewish.

A stunned silence fell upon the roughly 200 members of the press, most of whom expected the revelation to be followed by an explosive tirade against Israel. Instead, Ahmadinejad calmly explained that he now realizes that his previous “annihilate Israel” platform may have been unnecessarily harsh, and that he intends to fully embrace his newly-discovered Jewish heritage.

“In the past, when I said that ‘anybody who recognizes Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation’s fury,’ I was speaking from an outsider’s misunderstanding of what it means to be Jewish,” said Ahmadinejad as he donned a traditional kippah. “It turns out that the Zionist regime really isn’t that bad after all.”

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Pet Owner Hierarchy

(Visit The Naked Loon to view this life-altering graphic)

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Important Household Safety Advice

With all the dangerous things that abound out there in that big scary world, it can be tempting to succumb to paralyzing fear, never setting foot outside the safe and familiar confines of your home. Unfortunately for you, even your own home is full of perilous life-threatening hazards that can easily terminate your existence quicker than you can say “organic.”

Luckily for you, The Naked Loon has yet again come to your rescue by compiling this helpful guide to household safety. Read on to learn more about the most dangerous parts of your house, and how you can protect yourself and your family.

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Burris Reid Smackdown Tops Cable Rankings

Illinois’ incoming junior senator Roland Burris’ no holds barred brawl with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid drew over one hundred and eighty million viewers Wednesday, with political beatdown enthusiasts from every state in the nation tuning into the brutal five hour match.

Political observers were treated to the first such fight in over one hundred years thanks to an obscure Senate rule requiring disputed seats to be settled in the boxing ring.

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