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Retailtastic 2008-10-03

Google: Buy Some Hebrew DVDs

Just had this text ad appear at the top of my Gmail inbox…

Naked Loon Used Car SalesSpeak Translation Guide

With the budgets of the average American experiencing an increasing crunch, one way that many families are exploring to cut back expenses is by getting a more fuel efficient car. Of course, since budgets are tight, they’re not headed to the new car dealers, but to America’s favorite hangout: the used car lot.

The purpose of this article is to give you, the used car consumer, a guide to help you understand car-sales-speak. Here are some of the things that car salesmen like to say, and what they mean in plain English:

Radio-Controlled Clocks Spy on Boring Happenings of Local Homes

Increasingly inexpensive and popular radio-controlled “atomic” clocks allow us to complete our meaningless daily tasks with a satisfying sense of precision, but according to a Bellevue research lab, they are also secretly broadcasting the inane details of our lives to unknown locations.

According to the researchers, the average Puget Sound household has 4.7 of the spy clocks scattered throughout their home. The secret spy cameras cleverly hidden in the clocks give a front row seat to one or more shadowy organizations every time you dance by in your underwear.

I am truly a despicable wretch.

In the wake of mounting public outrage following the imminent departure of the Seattle Sonics, I feel that there is something I need to say. I’d like to address an unlikely figure that has joined the rising chorus of my critics: me, Howard Schultz.

As I sit here enjoying a cup of coffee at Tully’s in Madison Park, I mull over the various things I’ve done that I myself would describe as ‘disgusting’, ‘despicable’ and ‘loathsome.’ “I really am one of the biggest jerks out there,” I mutter wistfully to myself.

Stingy Geek Reluctant to Spend Four Dollars to Download Dr. Horrible

Kirkland resident Matthew Teton reported Thursday that he has not yet decided if it is worth four dollars on iTunes to download the hit internet supervillain musical Dr. Horrible.

Teton insists that his indecision has nothing to do with the entertainment quality of the production from Firefly producer Joss Whedon, describing it as “totally hilarious” and “a must-watch.”

“Neil Patrick Harris was perfect as the aspiring villain and bumbling romantic Dr. Horrible,” said Teton. “But is it worth four dollars to be able to have Dr. Horrible on my iPhone… I just don’t know.”

Rossi, Gregoire Trade Literal Blows in Final Debate

The final debate between gubernatorial candidates Dino Rossi and Christine Gregoire turned ugly last night as the heated verbal exchange erupted into an all-out brawl in front of a stunned panel of local journalists.

With the increasingly ugly tone of the campaign, local political veterans were surprised only that it took this long to come to physical violence.

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