Intersection of 6th and Pike Immune to Recession

A group of Seattle business leaders and local economists released a statement today declaring that the intersection of 6th Avenue and Pike Street is definitely, positively, absolutely immune to a recession.

“It has become apparent that Washington State, Greater Puget Sound, the city of Seattle, and even downtown Seattle are not immune to a recession,” the statement said, “however, we are confident that the encroaching recession will not affect the intersection of 6th and Pike.”

Anchored by the economic powerhouses of Niketown and American Eagle Outfitters, economists are certain that 6th and Pike will easily avoid the increasing unemployment, stagnant wages, and business failures that have plagued the nation in recent months.

Naked Loon Classifieds for the Week of Whatever Week This is

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Naked Loon Used Car SalesSpeak Translation Guide

With the budgets of the average American experiencing an increasing crunch, one way that many families are exploring to cut back expenses is by getting a more fuel efficient car. Of course, since budgets are tight, they’re not headed to the new car dealers, but to America’s favorite hangout: the used car lot.

The purpose of this article is to give you, the used car consumer, a guide to help you understand car-sales-speak. Here are some of the things that car salesmen like to say, and what they mean in plain English:

Boeing Dreamliner Actually an Elaborate Hoax

With accumulating project delays that have pushed back delivery dates for Boeing’s next-generation Dreamliner aircraft by nearly two years, some have begun to question whether the project will ever reach completion. Now, thanks to an exclusive Naked Loon investigative report, the truth has been revealed: The Dreamliner project is in reality nothing more than an elaborate farce.

For the past six months, three dozen Naked Loon reporters have been working under-cover in a variety of positions at Boeing, from the so-called factory floor to the upper levels of management. The startling truth uncovered by our investigative team is that Boeing has neither designed nor built any airplanes since the mid 1990s.

Over the past decade, Boeing has gone to great lengths to maintain the complex illusion that they are in fact still an actual aircraft manufacturer…

Got a Score to Settle? Think PEE.

Continuing the Seattle-area’s proud history of innovation and entrepreneurship, a pioneering new company opened its doors this week. Lynnwood-based Public Embarrassment Enterprises promises customers “a warm steaming puddle of (perfectly legal) revenge.”

When murder for hire companies fell out of favor in the late 1980s due to a series of legal challenges and negative media attention, then-student James Rodney—now the CEO of PEE—was taking notes.

WaMu Walks Away From Mortgage on Downtown Headquarters

Struggling savings and loan giant Washington Mutual announced Wednesday that they will no longer be making payments on their mortgage for WaMu Center, the company’s 42-story downtown Seattle headquarters.

The decision by WaMu follows in the footsteps of an increasing number of distressed homeowners that have walked away from their mortgages as the real estate market continues to experience record declines across the country.

Starbucks Tries to Out-McDonald’s McDonald’s

Seattle-based Starbucks Coffee—the McDonald’s of drug-laced drink outlets—faces an growing challenge to their core business model as Chicago-based McDonald’s—the McDonald’s of cheap and disgusting hamburgers—pushes into the world of over-priced status-symbol beverages with an increasingly intense campaign.

Starbucks has faced difficulty in recent years, as their increasingly ridiculous gimmicks have failed to draw in and retain a customer base capable of supporting their breakneck rate of expansion, peaking in 2007 when they opened an average of five new stores every second.

Helpful Tips for Tax Time

So it’s April 15th, again, and you’ve put off doing your taxes until the last minute yet again. Well luckily for you, the tireless staff of The Naked Loon is here to make your life easier with a list of useful tips to help you take advantage of every possible sneaky loophole and clever dodge. By following these tips, you can turn tax time into fun time.

China Harbor Probably Not Just a Restaurant

Situated prominently on the western shore of Lake Union, the massive “restaurant” known as China Harbor has long been an object of suspicion in the local community. In a four-week undercover investigation, The Naked Loon has uncovered the startling truth about this so-called fine dining establishment.

For years Seattle residents have acknowledged to each other that there are few restaurants which require a warehouse large enough to build a 747 inside.

Boeing to Build Air Force Tanker Anyway

After losing a $40 billion Air Force tanker contract to European competitor Airbus and filing a formal protest with the Government Accountability Office in early March, Boeing has announced that they will build the tanker regardless of the US Government’s decision.

It was thought that the Air Force decision would result in the eventual 2012 closure of the 767 assembly line in Everett, and the addition of thousands of jobs to Airbus…

Northgate Mall Fleeces Shoppers with Half-Finished Renovation

Seattle’s Northgate Mall, which had been losing business in recent years to more attractive venues such as Alderwood—its younger, sexier cousin to the north—has successfully fooled shoppers into returning after renovating only the most visible half of the shopping center.

The improvements, which took two years to complete, gave the westward interstate – facing portion of the mall a major facelift…