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Local 2008-08-09

New Study Proves the Extreme Benefits of Speeding

A new study released Friday finally proves what most Americans behind the wheel already knew: speeding saves time.

Specifically, speeding was found to save the average American roughly two minutes every day. This number was determined by analyzing vast amounts of data and performing deeply complicated calculations—it definitely was not pulled out of thin air.

The Loon Institute for Calculative Knowledge (LICK)—a highly regarded and definitely not fictitious think tank—conducted the rigorous study of the nation’s drivers…

Politics 2008-08-08

Gregoire Gifted Yacht, Mansion by Tribes; Denies Conflict of Interest

According to a statement released today by Christine Gregoire’s campaign, a $50 million yacht and $5.4 million mansion given to her by the state’s Indian tribes do not constitute a conflict of interest, and anyone that suggests they do is racist, and probably also sexist.

While recent headlines have been focused on over $650,000 in contributions to Gregoire’s campaign from the tribes, the personal gifts of the yacht and mansion were not previously public knowledge.

“This is a preemptive strike against all the hateful bigots out there that simply do not understand the normal and natural flow of politics,” said Debra Carnes, Gregoire’s campaign communication director.

Business 2008-08-07

Local Business Leaders: Washington Regulations Not Complicated Enough

A coalition of Puget Sound business leaders issued a challenge to Washington State lawmakers Thursday, calling for greater complexity and obfuscation in business regulations.

Representatives for the Seattle Area Alliance for Increasing Complexity in Government Regulations (SAAICGR) announced their proposal in a press conference from Olympia Thursday morning.

“The business climate in Washington is pretty challenging right now thanks to the seemingly endless amount of red tape the state forces you to go through to perform even the simplest of tasks,” said Costco CEO James Sinegal, one of the groups founding members. “But we are confident that with just a little more effort, ‘seemingly endless’ can turn into ‘literally endless.'”

Local 2008-08-06

Seattle City Council Passes Critically Important Scooter-Mover Fine

In a landmark unanimous 7-0 vote Monday, the Seattle City Council decisively addressed one of the cities’ biggest problems: rogue scooter-movers.

As the price of gasoline has risen to absolutely unbearable levels and riding a bicycle has remained as physically challenging as ever, an average of 50,000 new scooters per week have been added to Seattle streets. Feeling increasingly alone and intimidated in the massive sea of brightly-colored two-wheeled toys, some car drivers have taken indecent moving liberties with scooters that do not belong to them.

“I cannot believe that some people would have the gall to move a scooter just so they can get their car out of a parallel parking spot,” said Councilmember Jan Drago, chair of the Transportation Committee. “It is low-life criminals like this that can really ruin an otherwise perfect paradise of a city.”

Living 2008-08-05

How To: Deal With Annoying Neighbors

When you moved to the city to be close to all the amenities that Seattle has to offer, you forgot to consider one important factor: living in the city means living close to other people—yuck.

Unfortunately, if you want to live in the city (and who doesn’t), you are going to have neighbors. Dealing with people can be a stressful experience, but there are some easy tricks you can use to diffuse the situation when your neighbors get on your nerves.

Sci/Tech 2008-08-04

Mutant Man-Mouse Hybrid Escapes UW Lab

Disaster struck the U District Monday, as a 6-foot, three-hundred-pound man-mouse hybrid escaped from containment at the University of Washington’s Comparative Genomics Center (CGC) and rampaged through the neighborhood, leaving a trail of terrified children and weirded out adults in its wake.

“It was awful,” said U District resident Penny Orting. “It just came out of nowhere and started waving its hands all over the place, slowly walking toward the children… and they just stood there, paralyzed with fear.”

The genetic abomination is the result of ten years of study at the CGC. A secret project codenamed “Icy Smoke Emu” was funded by $82 million obtained through an innocuous-looking line-item for “test vials” in the biology department’s annual budget.

Opinion 2008-08-02

Blackberries: Heck Yeah

If you thought this article was going to be about some boring piece of technology, you’re a nerd. No, I’m not here to talk about cell phones. I’m here to talk about fruit. It’s just about that time of the year again: blackberry season! Yum!

As the most prolific weed west of the Cascades, blackberries can be found all over the Puget Sound. In my professional opinion (I have a Ph.D. in complex berry neuroscience), if you lives around here and pay money to buy blackberries, you are one of three things:

  • stupid
  • lazy
  • a giant wuss

Actually, knowing you, you’re probably all three. Seriously, there is no excuse not to pick your own blackberries. None.

US/World 2008-08-01

Nation’s Moviegoers Declare War on Theaters

In a sudden fit of rage Friday, moviegoers across the country threw down their ten dollar popcorn, spat out their eight dollar sodas, and announced the commencement of a full-scale war against theaters.

“We have had enough,” read the statement. “From now on, we only buy tickets, nothing else. Also, we’re not going to watch the pre-movie ads anymore.”

The spontaneous army of six-million film watchers issued the statement just as box offices around the country were preparing for another blockbuster weekend thanks to such mega-hits as The Dark Knight, Step Brothers, and Kung Fu Panda.

Instead of greeting patrons anxious to buy junk food with three thousand percent markups, theater employees were barely able to escape with their lives as legions of angry fans stormed past the concession stands and into auditoriums without buying a single thing.

Arts & Entertainment 2008-07-31

Stingy Geek Reluctant to Spend Four Dollars to Download Dr. Horrible

Kirkland resident Matthew Teton reported Thursday that he has not yet decided if it is worth four dollars on iTunes to download the hit internet supervillain musical Dr. Horrible.

Teton insists that his indecision has nothing to do with the entertainment quality of the production from Firefly producer Joss Whedon, describing it as “totally hilarious” and “a must-watch.”

“Neil Patrick Harris was perfect as the aspiring villain and bumbling romantic Dr. Horrible,” said Teton. “But is it worth four dollars to be able to have Dr. Horrible on my iPhone… I just don’t know.”

Politics 2008-07-30

Ronald Reagan Returns from Grave to Slam Republicans

Former President Ronald Reagan returned from the afterlife Wednesday to deliver a message to members of the Republican Party: “You are the problem.”

In a blatant beyond-the-grave violation of the 11th commandment—thou shalt not speak ill of another Republican—a ghostly image of Reagan floated over his tomb at the Reagan Library in Simi Valley and launched into a two-hour tirade against the Republican party in general and a number of Republicans specifically.

“What the hell, guys,” said the spectre, visibly agitated. “How is it possible that so many of you can be claiming my legacy and yet continue to so dramatically screw things up?”

Business 2008-07-29

Twentysomethings’ Business Ideas Meeting Deemed a Success

Gainfully employed twentysomething Mark Jones reported Tuesday that last night’s business ideas meeting with five of his friends at McCormick & Schmick’s was “definitely a rousing success.”

The meeting was initiated by an email from Jones to six of his former college friends with the subject line “let’s all quit and get rich.” Although the six men aged twenty-six to twenty-nine are all gainfully employed, making $60-$90,000 a year, the suggestion was met with great enthusiasm.

“It’s like, who doesn’t want to stick it to the man, and strike it out on their own,” said Gabe Lamont, 27, currently employed as a software engineer for Amazon.com.

Local 2008-07-28

$3.80 Gas Promotion Lines Up Cars for Miles

Lines of cars stretched for over ten miles in every direction from Newcastle on Monday morning, as a gas station running a $3.80 per gallon promotion was overwhelmed by thousands of rabid motorists.

Beginning at 7:00 in the morning, Hayden’s Chevron at the corner of Coal Creek Parkway and Newcastle Way offered gas at only $3.80 per gallon, over fifty cents less than the usual current price.

People began queuing up at the station about 3:00 Sunday afternoon, station manager Harrison Phoenix said. By the time the station opened this morning, virtually every road into Newcastle was packed with cars…

Living 2008-07-26

Better Living Through Internets

Hey, you’re not some kind of loser, are you? Of course not. So, it’s time you stopped spending your evenings and weekends sitting on a park bench trying to goad squirrels and pigeons into fighting each other. It’s time to make something of yourself. It’s time to get on the internets.

In the past we have discussed the how of getting internet, but not the why. So let’s talk about all the amazing things internet can do for you.