Retailtastic

Retailtastic 2009-01-09

Suck at math? Target has a great “deal” for you.

Do you like, totally suck at math, and stuff? Do you also happen to need a bunch of rechargeable batteries to bring life to all the lousy clearance electronics your aunt bought you from now-defunct retailers Linens ‘N’ Things and the Sharper Image?

Well you, dear numerically-challenged reader, are in luck. Target has just the deal for you…

Curious Usage of the Term “Lower Price” at Home Depot

Light Up Your Christmas Spirit

Delicious, Crunchy Wild Animals

Google: Buy Some Hebrew DVDs

That Fresh From the Farm Feeling

The Wonders of Modern Science

Welcome to Retailtastic!

2008-06-11

Burner Campaign Runs on Blind Optimism and Rainbows

Despite having pulled off a rare loss in a nationwide sea electoral victories for Democrats in 2006, 8th District Democrat Darcy Burner retains a foolish sense of optimism about her prospects of winning in this year’s rematch with Congressman Dave Reichert.

Burner brings a number of strong advantages to the table in 2008 that she did not have in 2006. Her experience as a political hopeful has now topped three years, which is over three times as extensive as it was in 2006. She also sees her 2006 loss as a strong advantage for her 2008 campaign. “The Democrat majority in congress has as yet failed to end the war in Iraq,” said Burner, “but when I am elected I will single-handedly bring our troops home and end the imperialistic oppression of the Iraqi people.”

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2008-08-14

State Dept. of Ecology Fines Mt. St. Helens $250 Million

The Washington State Department of Ecology slapped Mount St. Helens with a $250 million fine on Thursday for flagrant and repeated violations of state air quality regulations.

From late 2004 through July this year the 40,000-year-old volcano maintained a daily schedule that included emitting hundreds of tons of sulfur dioxide—a noxious gas that can cause acid rain and breathing problems leading to serious health issues such as death.

Despite Washington industry’s best efforts to maintain the top spot, the scofflaw mountain emitted more of the lung-burning fumes every day throughout its nearly four-year period of recent activity than all of Washington’s industries combined.

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2008-06-12

Naked Loon Classifieds for the Week of Whatever Week This is

Ride the SLUT to work!
Looking for a thrilling career? Look no further than Amazon! You can join our team and work on all kinds of exciting SQL, DHTML/XML, GBRSH, and hundreds more techno-abbreviations that are sure to impress your tech-ignorant extended family back in whatever backward Midwest town you escaped from. Visit the website for info. If it’s not down again, that is.

Got a great body?
Hot Lips Espresso is hiring! One of our baristas just went through a difficult breakup, resulting in a few too many nights spent with Ben & Jerry, if you get our drift. So, we’re on the hunt for some new eye-candy to trick all those lonely love-starved men into buying our overpriced coffee. If your age and BMI are both under 19, apply today! Call 206-HOT-LIPS for more details.

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2008-04-06

Popular Puget Sound Career Paths

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2008-08-04

Mutant Man-Mouse Hybrid Escapes UW Lab

Disaster struck the U District Monday, as a 6-foot, three-hundred-pound man-mouse hybrid escaped from containment at the University of Washington’s Comparative Genomics Center (CGC) and rampaged through the neighborhood, leaving a trail of terrified children and weirded out adults in its wake.

“It was awful,” said U District resident Penny Orting. “It just came out of nowhere and started waving its hands all over the place, slowly walking toward the children… and they just stood there, paralyzed with fear.”

The genetic abomination is the result of ten years of study at the CGC. A secret project codenamed “Icy Smoke Emu” was funded by $82 million obtained through an innocuous-looking line-item for “test vials” in the biology department’s annual budget.

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