In an unanticipated turn of events this week, the entire city of Tashkent, Uzbekistan rose up with one voice and vehemently renounced their sister city status with Seattle.
The upheaval came as all of Tashkent was watching a recent speech by Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels (a regular city-wide activity). Details are sketchy, but it seems that Nickels’ comments on his proposed green-building program just happen to sound exactly like the most insulting curse in the Uzbek language.
“Iz big disrespect,” said Tashkent mayor Abdukahhar Tukhtayev. “Tashkent peoples iz not having these relations with the goats. Seattle iz immoral one. Starbucks lady picture iz naked!”
In an attempt to reconcile the differences between the two cities, Tashkent officials sent a diplomatic envoy to Seattle, with gifts of goat cheese, grain, and head scarves. This plan was not successful. The diplomats were mistaken for tourists upon arriving at Seattle City Hall, and sent on their way with a complimentary gift bag that included smoked salmon, polar fleece, and copies of Windows Vista. Unfortunately, the Uzbek people are deathly allergic to fish and the climate of Uzbekistan is roughly comparable to Southern California, so the diplomats interpreted the gifts to be a triple insult.
Seattle city council members were shocked to learn that Seattle even had a sister city in Uzbekistan. “Tashkent,” repeated councilmember Richard McIver, “are you sure that’s not some sort of suburb down near Tacoma?”
“I think he’s right,” said councilmember Jan Drago, “I’m fairly certain that we don’t have any cute little sister cities in backward, rural countries like Uzbekistan.”
Tashkent is in fact the capital of Uzbekistan, as well as its largest city. With a population of over 3 million, Tashkent is over five times as large as Seattle.
Tashkent’s 35-year sister city partnership with Seattle had been an important part of their culture, with thousands of symbols of Seattle prominently displayed throughout the city. However, upon their disownment of the “coffee-brained satans,” the citizens of Tashkent feverishly took to the streets and tore down the statues of Greg Nickels and all of Seattle’s prior mayors, the International Fountain replicas, the Space Needle posters, and the neon “Public Market” signs that could be found on every city block.
“I kanot believez dat meestir Neekoals vood dizrespect us in dat vey,” said one Tashkent resident, through tears of anger and lost purpose. He and all neighbors were in the midst of throwing their Seattle icons into a huge bonfire, which they built upon their cherished woven goat hair reproduction of the Seattle skyline.
When asked if there would be any chance for reconciliation between the two cities, Mayor Tukhtayev said that it was doubtful. “I tink not even single persons in Seattle can find Uzbekistan on map,” he said. “Lets them have naked fish-womanz and computer weendows—we have enough of dat nonzense.”
Mayor Nickels’ response to the question of reconciliation was no more optimistic. “I’ve never been to Tashkent,” said Nickels. “Are we sure it’s even a real city?”
Seattle residents were completely indifferent to the news, which utterly failed to impact their lives in any way whatsoever.
We at the City of Seattle are indeed very familiar with Tashkent, and have been urging city officials there to adopt mandatory recycling and to stop burning goat manure as their primary fuel source as it negatively impacts the carbon footprint in the global arena.
But be rest assured, as long as no comments are made concerning my “girth” and “wide stance”, no legal action against you is anticipated at this time, although the Mayoral Slander Task Force is investigating.
Utterly tragic. I can’t believe you Seattlites. As a fellow American, I am utterly disgraced and disgusted. May you drown in your coffee.
And to you, Nickels, SHAME ON YOU! Don’t even know Tashkent, pah!…
I am utterly disgusted by Seattle’s (America’s?) response. In order for this sister-city status to have come about, someone must have initiated it on our side, and at some point, the relationship must have been quite good for the people of Tashkent to have admired Seattle so much. So we are no more than boorish, ungrateful, arrogant fools, who cannot even recognize warm-hearted friendship when it stares us in the face. If anyone in Seattle City Hall had a heart and a brain (s)he would get out a map, discover where Tashkent is located and communicate with those people.
For my own part, I offer my sincerest regrets to the people of Tashkent. I am sorry the advertising and responses of my people in the United States offended you so greatly. Not everyone here is like that. Many Americans are also offended by the advertising messages and such loutish behavior. However, in order to uphold democracy, we must also uphold the rights of people to free speech and a certain level of freedom of action, even when it displeases many others.
One would think we would have enough sense and decency to control ourselves better and not treat our women like “prostitutes” in dress (or lack of it) and advertising messages, nevermind other provocative or sexually oriented attitudes/behaviors…. However, it seems a sad truth that when money/comfort/material things becomes the focus for one’s purpose in life, the important things go out the window. Yet, there remain many good Americans who are working and praying for a better world, too, one where we recognize friends/allies when we see them and treat them well.
So please accept my apologies on behalf of Seattle and all who would treat this situation in fun. I think it was wonderful how you celebrated your relationship with your “sister-city”. I also think it wonderful that you were so honest in your expression of outrage at what seemed disrespect. May God bless you all in many and wonderful ways for your devoted friendship and loyalty to those in our country.
Best Wishes,
Sharon
Thank you, Josh Devena, for a very amusing reportage! I was in Seattle in 2003 and loved the city and surroundings. I wasn’t part of that diplomatic mission though, but was invited by Boeing to explore their manufacturing facilities. At the time I worked for Tashkent Aircraft manufacturer (yes, Mr. Devena, Tashkent produces one of the world’s largest havy-lift aircraft, the IL-76)– hense the sistership — in addition to smoked meats and goat fleece. I want to invite you to explore Tashkent and will personnaly make sure you get to know (at least something) about Tashkent and its people.
Regards,
Shavkat
Also, nice photoshop job on the “Space Needle” and the placards! One of them actually says “Hello to you dear countrymen in Seattle”.
Very funny indeed!
Greg Nickels is just another ignorant american douche who never been outside of US. maybe Cancun.
My family and I live in the Seattle area and also lived 3 years in Tashkent. Tashkent is a beautiful City with amazingly hospitible people. Seattle could only hope to be as welcoming as the
Uzbek people of Tashkent. How dare we insult our friends. Mayor Nickels was a fool to treat them the way that he did. I’d like to see a new sister city relationship be establed based on mutual respect and appreciation of our different cultures.
Ok, so I found this story googling something about Tashkent. I’ve never been to this site before and I realize that this post is from over four years ago, BUT DID ANYONE NOTICE THE DATE THE ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED!?!? (Hint: It’s April Fools) Anyone who didn’t catch that this article is a joke should be slapped because that means your IQ is at most, negative six.
whatta f…?? the photo was changed from photoshop