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Amazon: Kindle is the greatest! Seriously, buy one RIGHT NOW! Kindle Kindle Kindle!

It is unknown how Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos is able to effectively to lead the company and spend hour after hour ogling his Kindle.
James Duncan Davidson | Flickr↑ click to enlarge ↑It is unknown how Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos is able to effectively to lead the company and spend hour after hour ogling his Kindle.

In an announcement on Amazon.com’s front page this week, CEO Jeff Bezos declared Kindle—their handheld electronic reading device—to be an overwhelming success, unmatched since the dawn of time by any achievement in the universe.

“Dear Customers,” begins the message from Bezos. “We continue to be astonished at your insatiable hunger for Kindle: our earth-shattering nirvana delivery system.”

“To date, we have sold more than three hundred Kindles for every man, woman, and child on planet Earth,” the note continued, “That’s over two trillion Kindles in just six months.”

Though the internet superstore experienced troubles keeping up such a breakneck manufacturing pace early on, they have since solved this problem by converting the entire nation of China into what is essentially a single, enormous Kindle factory. “With over 1.3 billion people building Kindles night and day, we believe we have finally overcome our production issues,” said Bezos. “They can even assemble Kindles straight through breakfast, lunch, and dinner, now that we deliver all of their essential nutrients intravenously.”

This week’s announcement is the latest in a series of breathless proclamations that have taken up exclusive residence on Amazon.com’s front page since Kindle’s November launch. The message has evolved from “buy a Kindle” to “buy another one for the office,” to “laminate every surface of your house with Kindles, so you never have to reach more than a few inches to get your hands on one.”

In addition to selling an average of 8 million Kindles every minute, Amazon.com is also busy expanding the selection of material available to the billions of blissful Kindle owners. To date, the Kindle catalog has over thirty-seven quadrillion titles, and encompasses every known work in the history of the written word, as well as a growing number of compositions that have not yet even been conceived, to be written by authors that will not even exist for millennia.

Of course, even the immaculate pinnacle of mankind’s technological prowess is not without its detractors. “The button placement doesn’t make any sense,” says one review of Kindle on its Amazon page. “It’s like it was designed to be held by some sort of bizarre alien hands or something.”

“That’s actually a part of our expansion plans for Kindle,” explained Bezos, “by our estimates, the extraterrestrial market outnumbers the human market fifty-three-million to one, so it made sense for us to release a design that is well-suited to the unique ergonomic requirements of the plethora of alien species in our galaxy and beyond. That way we don’t have to redesign it when we literally launch it into space.”

Bezos continues to be upbeat about the future prospects of Kindle. “I invite you to read Amazon’s just-released hourly letter to shareholders,” reads the announcement. “We outline our long-term vision for Kindle, but if you’re too busy reading the infinite selection of titles on your Kindles to check it out, here’s a summary. When this dimension’s market for Kindle is finally saturated, we basically plan to throw on a few new features and come out with Kindle 2.0.”

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9 Comments on “Amazon: Kindle is the greatest! Seriously, buy one RIGHT NOW! Kindle Kindle Kindle!”

  1. You made me look up the Amazon website! It’s true! $399 OMG….

  2. Very,very funny…

  3. I can’t wait for Kindle 2.0. I hear they’re adding features like Enlightenment Downloads where you can just jack into their system overnight, and the next day you’ve already reincarnated into a higher life-form. And don’t forget the KindleCoffee coming out in Spring of ’09. It’s a Kindle with a coffee holder and a built-in CoffeeMate machine! Say “so long” to Starbucks and McDonald’s, and “hello Kindle!”

  4. Does anyone actually know how many of these things they’ve sold?
    I have never seen one in real life, and yet it actually has 2k plus reviews on Amazon despite being out of stock for what seemed like 6 months.
    It also always seemed to be inexplicably at the top of Amazon’s “Best seller” lists.

  5. I’ve had a Kindle
    since the first six hours
    Don’t believe a word of it
    They now cost $359

  6. This is the funniest article that I’ve read, as well as the comments. I laughed so hard, I have tears in my eyes.

  7. Our family is now a two kindle household. Personally, I love my Kindle. You only have to carry one thing now, not a bag of books. You can buy books wherever you are. Kindle books are cheap: bestsellers for $9.99. It is easy to read, inside or even in direct sunlight. You can choose your font size. For those who enjoy reading (perhaps an endangered species) I predict you will like it. There are a few quirks that will probably be improved in version 2.0.

  8. What a great piece! The Kindle has been berry berry good to me, but I am really pissed at Amazon for not properly supporting the “laminate your walls” concept — how was I to know that once I adhered the things to the wall I would never be able to get at the on/off switches or the reset button!!?? Fortunately, the Kindle is such a triumph of design that it is enough, just to be able to look at my newly Kindled walls.

  9. ohhh this article is wonderful. Of course I actually own a kindle and love it, but still this is hilarious

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