Friday, December 19, 2014
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Naked Loon Classifieds for the Week of Whatever Week This is

Buy this pristine craftsman now for $1.5 million, before the price shoots up to over $2 million!
Buy this pristine craftsman now for $1.5 million, before the price shoots up to over $2 million!

Jobs

Ride the SLUT to work!
Looking for a thrilling career? Look no further than Amazon! You can join our team and work on all kinds of exciting SQL, DHTML/XML, GBRSH, and hundreds more techno-abbreviations that are sure to impress your tech-ignorant extended family back in whatever backward Midwest town you escaped from. Visit the website for info. If it’s not down again, that is.

Got a great body?
Hot Lips Espresso is hiring! One of our baristas just went through a difficult breakup, resulting in a few too many nights spent with Ben & Jerry, if you get our drift. So, we’re on the hunt for some new eye-candy to trick all those lonely love-starved men into buying our overpriced coffee. If your age and BMI are both under 19, apply today! Call 206-HOT-LIPS for more details.

Autos

Buy a Hummer, Get a Free Prius
We’ve tried everything we can to move these Hummers, but they’re still just sitting there on the lot. So now you get to reap the benefits! Buy a new Hummer and we’ll throw in an ’08 Prius for free! Before you ask—no, there is no rational explanation for why we ever thought opening a Hummer dealership in Seattle was a good idea in the first place. Visit Doug’s Northwest Hummer in Shoreline on Aurora today!

Buses for Sale
You are tired of sitting in traffic, but there just aren’t any bus routes that run from Ballard to Renton. Well my friend, we have the answer to your problem: buy your own bus. When you drive your car solo in the HOV and bus lanes, it’s super easy to get caught. With your own bus, you’ll be able to cruise along in the bus lanes and nobody will be the wiser. Call today at 206-553-3060 and we’ll cover your bus in advertising for free.

Personals

Let’s do Darkmoon Faire Together
SWM seeking partner with female avatar to go on nightly raids. Must have an account on Terokkar realm. Night Elves and Draenei preferred, also open to Dwarves or Gnomes.

It’s a great time to buy
SWF unemployed real estate agent looking for a sugar daddy to help pay my option-ARM mortgage. Home prices are sure to rebound any second now. I’ve got 2,800 square feet, granite countertops and stainless steel appliances, and I want to share it all with you and your large bank account.

For Sale

Organic Canvas Grocery Bags
Sure, you’ve stopped using plastic grocery bags and switched to canvas sacks. Good for you. But are your canvas bags organic? Probably not. Call 206-621-9700 and reserve yours today. $25 each is a small price to pay for ultimate moral superiority at the grocery store.

Extensive Gore-Tex Collection
I’m moving to Texas, so I have to liquidate all of my Gore-Tex. 52 jackets are available in size medium, for just $10 each. Call 206-223-1944

Housing

3Br Townhome for Rent: $700
Great deal on this Queen Anne townhome with a fascinating colorful history. We scrubbed the hardwood floors for hours, so the goat blood stains are barely noticeable. Call 206-527-3801

1,400 SqFt Ballard Craftsman: $1.5 Million
I’m betting there’s at least one idiot out there that hasn’t heard the news that the housing bubble has burst. Are you that idiot? If so, call me at 206-230-7600

Misc.

Lost: 3,500 Ballots
Yes, we know the election isn’t for another five months, but somehow we’ve already managed to lose thousands of ballots cast in the Governor’s race. If you find them, please call King County Elections at 206-296-VOTE

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3 Comments on “Naked Loon Classifieds for the Week of Whatever Week This is”

  1. Don’t forget to google the phone numbers for additional fun.

  2. Thanks, Bryce, what was great fun! NL staff added a nice touch!

  3. Baseball team for sale: CHEAP
    It was announced today that the Seattle Mariners have been placed on the block for $150 Million plus a wonderful multi-year contract for a near empty Safeco Field.
    Ideas for the 7th inning stretch:
    Echo contests for the longest one from the stands
    Recreational fires using paper from useless and unprofitable TV sports contracts
    Longest Lesbian kiss contest with the winner getting a free trip to the new farm team franchise in Paragould, Arkansas
    Illegal Alien fence jump. Free tickets for the best and longest jumps.
    Anything else that will take the fan’s mind off of the worst losing season in baseball!

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